Dear Universe, ✔

35.

I adjust the white cap on my head, blowing out an aggravated sigh as it begins to slide off for the tenth time since I've taken my seat. The matching white gown s making me sweat in the hot June sun, and I can't wait to get my hand on my diploma so that I can take the cap and gown off.

As the principal gives his speech from the podium on the stage, I take a look around the football field where we're all seated in alphabetical order, the girls in white on one side and the boys in blue on the other.

Fielden is a row in front of me, she's talking and hiding her laugh with her hand as she whispers to the girl beside her. It's sad to think that in just a few short months Field and I will be miles apart, no longer a quick fifteen minute drive away from each other. I won't see her every day since she'll be attending the same college as Nate and I'm going to take a year off to take some time for myself and figure out what I want to do with my life. Both my parents agreed that some time to myself with no stress would be beneficial after the year I've had.

I look over my shoulder to the stands where my parents are sitting, side by side, hand in hand. I smile at the sight of them and give my mom a small wave when she notices me.

Ever since their date a few months ago, my parents have been getting along really well. So well actually, that their separation is over and my dad has moved back in with us. We've even been doing better as a family, all of us talking more and falling into a new routine. We have dinner together as a family, we talk about River instead of bottling everything up until we explode, and we all forgave one another for the mistakes and harsh words over the past year. 

As I turn back around to face the stage, I see Colby sitting at the end of his row, a bored look on his face as he stares blankly ahead. Colby is someone that I never pictured myself being friends with, but he's easily one of my best friends now. He's been there for Ian is so many ways this year, and for me as well. Emma and Colby have been on a few more double dates with Ian and I, and every time is so much fun because we all just click.

I hear the principal turn the microphone over to a lady in a blue dress and she begins her own speech, one about how the future is ours and we can be whatever we want to be in life.

I think about her words as I look around the group of people I had quickly fallen back into place with. None of them had to accept me coming out of my loner phase, but they all did. They all understood that I went through something and that I needed time. I changed, I was't the same as before, and they all accepted that as well. I have my old friends back as well as some new. 

I don't know what I want in life, not every detail at least. I know I want my parents to be together and happy, I know I want to continue to have my friends in my life and make memories with them. I want to continue my sessions with Dr.White because I know I still have a lot of emotions and trauma to work through. I know I want to eventually have a family of my own and to be happy with everything life has given me.

I know I want Ian.

I look over at him, his blue cap sliding off his head just like mine. When he feels my eyes on him, he turns his head towards me and gives me a smile. "I love you" he mouths just as the first row of graduates are called to the stage.

I never wanted to die. I only wanted to make myself feel the weight of what I had done - what I thought I had done. I wanted pain, suffering, sadness, and loneliness. Now though, I want nothing more than to live a full, happy life with laughter and smiles. I want joy and to be surrounded by love.

I want to always feel the way I feel when Ian says those three words or smiles at me. 

"I love you too." I say silently as names are being called and futures are beginning.