so in my last update i dropped a huge fact about me that i have never said to anyone here but to some. maybe some of y'all are not surprised. but why is it?
could it be that i never really acted 'manly enough' or that it just felt like i was hiding something? well, surprise, i've come out of the closet now.
do you see me differently? i really hope not. this is when the too-nice jasper peeks back out.
it never felt like a huge thing to just come out and say "hey! i was born something else but now i'm this!" because it really shouldn't matter. i'm a boy, i'm still a boy no matter what i was born with.
but i told you all i'd be honest in this book so let me tell you the rest.
i always felt like a liar. i felt like i was carrying this dark secret around me, and whenever gender came to be a topic, i felt dirty. i felt wrong.
i felt like i was telling my friends bold lies when it wasn't like that at all. i just don't want to be seen differently.
i want people to think, "ah, what a cute boy!" not, "ah, what a cute boy who has a girl body!"
i hate my body. i hate what i was born with. i hate what i went through because i was born with this body. i hate everything about this female body and i just want to rip it to shreds sometimes.
i don't want people to think, "well it's a boy... but it's a girl! i don't want a girl!" i don't want others to decline a conversation with me simply because i'm just not a 'real boy.'
and maybe this makes no sense. maybe this makes plenty of sense. maybe this is rubbing off the wrong way.
it's not that trans boys aren't valid and that they don't have the right to say they are male, it's not that at all. i just wish i could explain to you how it felt when i didn't even have the courage to come out and speak about trans issues.
i was so scared some user would find out and make a whole thing about how i "catfished" everyone. how i really was just a snake like some have assumed about me. i hate feeling like the god damn victim and i was so far into my ""lie"" that i couldn't even fix the problem.
i was so worried about pissing people off and making them feel "lied to" for me saying i'm only a boy and acting as if i had a male body and never experienced what its like to have a female's. like i never was born to deal with such a huge obstacle in my life.
i was so scared and maybe it seems like a huge over reaction. maybe i was just being dramatic with the whole thing. but god, it just
i fucking wish i could tell you how it feels to have done that and now i'm finally biting the bullet and going for it. maybe in due time i'll delete this and forget this ever happened. maybe i won't, maybe i'll keep this up for the whole world to see.
but for now. thank you so much for reading and understanding. i love you, remember to always be true to yourself.
