Insecurities | KTH | Completed

Inspiration

02

Taehyung

"Why are you always looking down?" Nora asks, her dainty fingers under my chin.

"I...don't know?" I reply, without really comprehending her question. Heart hammering in my chest, I wrap my fingers around her wrist and move her hand down from my chin.

Her lips pucker in a pout, unsatisfied by my response. "I have class. See you later." I mumble.

"Oh okay." With a wave she sped down the corridor, her fluffy waves of hair bouncing behind her. My lips turn upwards at the memory of them brushing against my face.

Counting the number of tiles, I strode to my next class. 

Am I always looking down? 

Her question made no sense in the morning but I found myself paying attention to my own body movements and indeed, I'm always looking down. It was easy to admit but pretty hard to tell her or anyone why.

"Are you still thinking about her?" Ever since I told Namjoon hyung about Nora, my earnest and diligent brother has been blatantly teasing me. Have I known before, I never would've served a piece of real-life drama to him on a platter. Sadly, I have no one else to go to for advice and end up at his doorstep with my issues.

"Hyung," My voice wavers with emotion. The teasing glint from his eyes vanishes as worry clouded him. I hate myself for being like this.

"What's bothering you, Taehyung-ah?" He utters softly.

Guilt. I saw it again in his eyes. What is he guilty for? Being too perfect? Setting bars too high?

I want to say I regret everything. I regret those venomous words that I carelessly spat to justify my own incompetence.

"I'm sorry." I choke out as tears brim in my eyes.

His face softens in concern. "What are you sorry for?"

"For blaming you." A couple of tears escape as I avoid my bother's scrutinizing gaze.

"No, Taehyung, you only told the truth. I neglected you while chasing my own goals. Our parents undermined your efforts. You struggled to be me for them and I never even paid attention to your suffering. The only thing you should apologize for is not telling me sooner how you felt. But then again, I never asked."

"It was my choice to follow you. It was my choice to stop. None of it worked. Turns out I'm not good enough to be anything." 

"You are. Be your own person, Taehyung. Our parents want you to be my shadow but your are too bright to be just that. You were always lively while I was the boring one. I don't want you to lose that spark." A faint smile adorns his face as his eyes turn glassy as if he was reminiscing some fond memory. "Don't let go of that hyper kid."

"But no one is satisfied. I'm letting them down." I counter in between sobs.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. We support your decisions fully. We want you to be happy. You're not letting anyone down. Why are you so afraid?" He leans toward me, as if all my fears are written on my face.

I never uttered a word about how hard it was to finally tell my family about giving up on science. They had high expectations of me, it was so hard to satisfy them and now no one has any expectations and it is still hard.

I realized later that following the example of my brother was an easy path; I had lots of help and approval from almost everyone I knew. But I decided to sail in unfamiliar seas, pursuing my artistic passion. For once I made a decision for myself, and that turned out to be a disaster.