Insecurities | KTH | Completed

Downpour

03

Nora

"You rarely look down anymore, why is that?"

I expected him to look away, change the topic or even run away but he didn't.

"I still do." Taehyung says then leans in. "Just not in front of you."

His breath hit my face rhythmically as I let his words sink in. My heart hammers erratically in my chest. I clear my throat to break the building tension between us and go back to sipping coffee.

I don't want to ignore what I feel. I want to ask him if he feels anything when he is with me, if he wants us to be something more than what we already are. I want to lean in and kiss those lips and taste the milkshake off his mouth but fear stops me. It's like my own mind and body are in a conflict. He ignites my whole body with desire, but my mind tells me I'm not good enough.  

On the way back home, my mind kept drifting off. The forgotten wounds started aching again.

I can be a little bold when he seems to be shying away but when he is flirting with me I just freeze.

"Just not in front of you." Naina tries to mimic his deep voice after I tell her what happened at the cafe then burst out laughing. "He is whipped!"

"I don't know. We're-"

"Don't you dare say 'just friends'"  She hisses. "He totally likes you. And you like him too! Do not friend-zone him!"

"I don't know. What if he doesn't want me like that...I don't want to make assumptions." I stare into the distance. 

Rejection. I've been too familiar with it to try again. A boy I fell for ridiculously. A boy who not only rejected me but worded clearly why I did not deserve him. My curvy body and crazy hair are a turn off he said. He was afraid to be seen with me and like a fool I kept giving myself to him. A fool in love.

 My heart no longer beats louder when I think of him nor do my stomach gets tickled by butterflies. I do not love him. Those feelings are long gone.

But his words formed wounds that were forgotten, not healed. They were forgotten until I accidentally picked on them, sending a sharp pain through my body. That is what happened that night when Taehyung and I were in rain and I stood in front of him, vulnerable and exposed, for his scrutinizing gaze. Now, it bothers me so much that I'm unable to tell him that I like him. I imagine Taehyung repeating those hurtful words to me and I don't want to feel that way again.

***

Taehyung invited me to watch movies at his place on Saturday. Naina kept bothering me about my outfit and I had to fight her to not make me wear a short skirt. I wore loose black t-shirt and jeans that she deemed too boring but for me it was safe. It hides my body perfectly.

So, I end up beside him on his couch wearing the 'too boring' outfit, watching some gory Japanese movie.

The girl in the screen walks into a basement inside an abandoned cottage. Suddenly the music gets creepier. She turns on a light bulb then moves to a cupboard. A shadow of a little girl is shown in the window. Oblivious to it, the protagonist opens the cupboard. The light goes out. Music stops. Then suddenly-Ting tong!

I jump and a whine escapes my mouth at the sound that echoed in the whole apartment. Taehyung bursts into laughter.

"It's the doorbell, you scaredy-cat."

I scowl at him and threw a cushion which he dodges easily and runs to get the door.

He comes back with pizza boxes and coke. After putting them on the table he turns to me, "Let's eat."