On Our Darkest Days

Chapter 8

I did a stupid thing, and I can't take it back, but I want to.
I leave Jeremias looking shocked in the doorway and I go to lay down. My head hurts and I can't think. I could die for what I've done if anyone saw it or if he says even a single word. I could die...
I lay in bed for the rest of the day, and Jeremias stays away, doing God knows what. Every slight noise I hear terrifies me. Every creak in the wood walls or gust of wind sends a shock through me that chills my bones and I regret ever even speaking to Jeremias. He isn't my friend, he is in charge of my life, and I've allowed myself to believe he wouldn't kill me in a heartbeat if her were told to do so... I've lied to myself.
I hear the sound of thousands of feet walking in step, and a distant shout to line up. Dinner. I promised Maja I would be there to eat with her, and I plan on following through. I just don't know what I am going to say to her. I hate lying to Maja.
I push myself off the bed and walk out of the door, expecting to meet Jeremias, but he isn't there. I sigh in relief and continue to the field to meet my sister.
We eat dinner a mostly in silence, and I don't ask her why. The red hand print across her face, and the cut, about an inch long, above her eyebrow tells me everything.
"I feel like I could sleep for a week," Maja says, breaking the silence. The whole camp seemed silent, and the air felt different, like something bad was happening.
"I can't sleep at all."
"Why not?" Her face seems genuine, but I can't tell her why. I know that.
"I feel like something is going to change. I feel like we are in danger." I feel like I am in danger, but to leave her out would be stupid. She could get just as hurt as I can just by knowing me.
"Don't worry, Schwester, just get some sleep tonight. You'll regret it if you don't. Plus, nothing can happen to you if you don't do anything wrong. Just keep out of their way," Maja says to me. It's true, but I did do something wrong. I messed up, and I can't fix it. Whatever happens will happen despite my best efforts to forget my momentary idiocy.
After we eat I follow Maja to bed, but I lay sleepless, staring at the ceiling, until the entire camp is quiet. I get up and walk outside, the night air crisp and cool. I sit against the wall of the bunkhouse and look up at the stars. There are so many of them out here. The smoke from the crematory bellows up into the sky, and I know a new car of people have just come in. The smoke is those who weren't quite strong enough to be useful...
The smell spreads across the sky quickly, and soon, it's all that fills my lungs.
I stare up at the sky and try to ignore the fact that hundreds of people are burning while I sit here, some of them no doubt alive, but I just imagine Ida's little body in the fire.
The tears come faster than I expected, but I don't try to stop them. I let them fall in silence, down my bruised cheeks and onto the shoulders of my dirty striped shirt.
I don't know how long I sit there before I hear light footsteps coming towards me in the night, but I don't even have the strength to look at who it is. The person sits next to me on the ground and follows my gaze towards the sky.
"Sonja..."
Jeremias.
I want to speak but the tears come in waves. I bring my knees to my chest, tuck my head in between them, and I cry.
He sits patiently beside me until I have the courage to sit up again.
I heave a heavy sigh as I look up and stare straight in front of me.
"No."
"What?" I say, looking at him for the first time since this afternoon.
"No, it doesn't feel wrong. Or, it wouldn't, if the circumstances were different. But they aren't. I ca-"
"Please can we forget I said anything. Maja would never speak to me again, and if anyone found out..."
"No one will find out, and I can't forget, Sonja."
"Then someone will know eventually. I messed up, Jeremias, I didn't mean it, can we please-"
"You meant it, Sonja, I'm not stupid. But you know why you can't mean it anymore, right?"
"What does that even mean? I know why you can't be seen favoring me, I know why I can't be seen speaking to you like we're friends, but I don't know why that would mean you got to tell me what to feel."
"I'm not telling you how to feel Sonja, of all things, I'm telling you that you have to be prepared for the fact that I won't be feeling anything. I won't be favoring anyone. You need to be ready for that because if that isn't what happens I lose my job and you lose your life." He looks at me the whole time he is speaking, but my eyes stay trained on the knot in the wood of the bunkhouse across from me.
"Okay."
I know what he meant. He meant that he would no longer be saving me from beatings or bringing me food when I gave mine away, no matter how many rules it broke. 
"I don't want this, Sonja, but it's dangerous to even look at you for too long. You have to understand," he seems almost as upset and I am. This world isn't fair. I am more angry than sad, though. He doesn't even have to suffer
"You get to go back to life as you knew it before I came here, and I get to be treated like a filthy animal. I do understand."
"You think this is easy for me?"
"No, but it's much easier for you than it is for me. You don't have to face a whipping post, or a bullet to the skull, or a beating because you wanted to say something, or because a little girl is hungry. You can eat what you want, when you want, in peace. You can say anything you want to, to whoever you want to, and not fear for your life!"
"Sonja, I don't want this either! I'm trying to keep us both out of harm's way!"
"You do that, Jeremias. When is it that this twin doctor gets to meet us again? The one that runs tests on twins because they're different?"
He is silent.
"When?" I press on.
"Five more days before we leave for Auschwitz..."
"Oh, okay. You keep us out of harm's way, then. Keep us nice and healthy for his experiments. We really appreciate it."
I get up and walk back into the bunkhouse.
I don't sleep at all.