On Our Darkest Days

Chapter 14

There is a knock on my door, after hours of me lying there, lonely, silent, grieving. I don't say anything. I hear the door handle turn and the hinges creak a little under the weight of the metal door.
I expect it to be Dr. Mengele, pretending to be sorry for my loss, but he would never admit that what he had done was wrong. Still, I wish he would try to make me believe he had emotions and wasn't some mad scientist who killed people in his lab...
The sound of heavy boots grows closer, and I feel the bed sink in a little at my feet and listen to the strain of the springs under the weight of whoever has come to see me.
I want to ask if it's Jeremias. I want him to be here, even though we both know he can't do anything. I don't ask if it's him, though. I'm too scared it will be someone else, and I'll be caught befriending the guards.
A soft hand finds its way to my ankle.
"I gave her a proper burial, Sonja."
I don't have it in me to cry anymore. Everything that's happened to me has all been for a reason, right? Either I'll die too, like Dr. Mengele plans for me to, or the Russians will come close enough to liberate the camp, and I'll live a lonely life in the darkness.
I don't know which option I fear more.
"Thanks," I manage, my voice hoarse and rough after the hours of strained silence.
"Sonja, I think I can get you out of here."
For a minute, I believe him. Only a minute though. Leaving here and not getting caught is too good to be true. Dr. Mengele is always watching. Besides, how am I going to find my way?
"Jeremias, it's over. Just leave me alone, to process, to think."
"No." He moves his hand from my ankle and sets it on the bed next to my foot.
"Excuse me?" I sit up, pointing my useless eyes in the direction that I assume he would be in.
"I said no," he says. He places one hand on my cheek and turns my head, correcting my idea of his whereabouts in my room.
"I don't understand. Why not? We both know there is nothing left we can do about any of this. What's done is done and whatever happens will happen without either of our consent. I didn't ask for Maja to be killed, but it happened. I didn't ask to be brought here, but it happened. If I've learned one thing from my time in these camps, it's to stop fighting it. No one cares what I want."
"I do, Sonja. I won't leave you alone after losing your sister for two reasons: one, I am a human with a heart and emotions just like you, and I know what it's like to lose a sibling, and two, I feel responsible. This is all my fault, if you want to trace it back to the source. I picked you two out of the crowd to be brought here. I asked for Dr. Mengele to be called and informed about you. I asked about his experiments. I did it all, it was all me. I feel-"
"Jeremias, it wasn't all you. It was the world. Sometimes, bad things happen. Sometimes, people who really try to be great get the worst of luck. Sometimes people die. Don't blame yourself."
"Let me help you, please." His pleading makes me consider it for a moment, but it would never work.
"How do you plan on helping the blind, Jewish girl escape a concentration camp? Are you going to hold my hand and walk me off into the sunset? It's not going to be easy for either of us, and that means I don't want to do it. I just want to wait until my extermination date in peace. I want to sit here and, for once, know what's coming next. I've been living my life according to the whims of everyone around me, but this I can choose. Let me choose."
"What can I do to convince you to let me help you? What can I say to make you want to keep going? With me... Even if we are running we have each other, right? I've lost everything before, and I've watched you lose everything, I don't want to feel that pain again."
"Jeremias, this isn't about life or death-"
"But it is! You would rather die than try to get your freedom. You would rather spend your last few days wallowing in the loss of your sister than trying to free yourself from the people who killed her, and plan to kill you. This is life or death, Sonja, and you're choosing death."
"Then let me. It's not your decision to make. I'm so tired of being scared, so tired of being given orders, so tired of being tired. I have nothing left here..."
I feel his weight shift on the bed as I say it, and I didn't mean for it to hurt him, but it was true. All I had left was him, and he was temporary no matter how we look at the situation. He would either be found with me and fired, or even executed, be transferred out, or the liberation would come and he would end up like every other officer involved in the beating of Jews; a prisoner due to his crimes against humanity.
He starts to stand up, to leave the room, and I realize how much I just want him to be there.
I throw my legs over the side of my bed and frantically search for him, feeling around the table and chairs. He steps in front of me and takes my hands in his. I pull myself into his chest and he wraps me in his arms.
I don't know how long we stand there before he finally speaks.
"There is a hole in the fence on the far side of the camp. If we go tomorrow night, after Dr. Mengele has left his office, we can avoid the night guards and get out. We could be miles away from this place before sunrise. They'll never find us."
I nod along as he speaks, giving into his plan. I feel him smile against my forehead where his cheek rests, and I realize it is more than worth it to try. This boy doesn't want anything more than for me to be happy.
I can't believe what I've agreed to do as he helps me back to my bed and covers me up. I love the idea of getting away, of being free, but there is only one thing that can happen if we get caught. We don't have a choice. Either I leave and face the risk of getting caught and dying, or I stay and die no matter what. And by hanging, no less. The chance may be small that we will get away, but it's worth a shot. Better than giving up and allowing my mind to kill me slowly while I wait to die.
"Sonja, we can do this. We can make it out and we can run to America. We can get away. Can you imagine living a life that doesn't involve a war like this? Where you don't know that people you have seen everyday are dying because they're Jewish or killing because they were told to. We could live without worries like that, and we could travel and go places. We could start a family and have kids and they would never know that we lived like this before. People call America the land of the free and the brave, and no one is more brave than you. We deserve this, we can have this. We can make it." He kisses my cheek and leaves my room.
The land of the free...
If only.