the diary of alyx baye.

01 | "get up and go"

Thinking of escaping my life here in Baltimore to start fresh in LA has lingered inside my head the past two days. I know I should be focusing on one thing at a time like putting money aside for a vehicle, enrolling back to school for the fall, and finically prepare to move back with my mom after 2 years of being homesick. My gut feels it's my calling to be at LA and it's weird but... inspiring.

I currently work as a part-time hostess at a restaurant that's 15 minutes away from my house. But since I don't own a vehicle yet, I rely on the worst public transportation ever created to get there. Ever since I booked my first job at 17, I've been juggling employment back to back non-stop. Whenever I would quit or lose one, I had another lined up that following week. I was defiantly the definition of a workaholic. My family will tell you. And you would think. Holding down 1 to 2 jobs, rarely home most of the time, doesn't really have a bunch of important bills (just phone bill and inexpensive rent) AND living under my parents roof, my account should be looking like zip codes. Oh god, how I wish.

Listen, I admit I was selfishly irresponsible. All a girl cared about was spoiling her self with shopping sprees, fast food (which was a main kill to my pockets!), manicures, music equipment, and irrelevant materialism I can't even remember I thought was a priority to have. Then and now, as a 22 year old, I'm still just a kid. I have so much in life to figure out. If there was a button to resign from adult life, take my word. I won't hesitate.

It's bizarre to me. As a kid, I never rushed to grow up. And my mom was an example. From front seat, I watched her struggle. Making sacrifices to make sure my siblings and I were taken care of. Seeing that pang of sorriness across her face. Anyone can see she was unhappy. My mom is the superman and superwoman in my life. Any tough going circumstance that fell upon us was nothing she couldn't defeat. I admire her for having such a continuous, positive outlook on everything. No matter how hard of a force the storm hit us.

This life of a journey hasn't been a bed of roses. At times, I do feel ashamed. Comparing my life to others who have more than I ever wished for. That's why I try to work so damn hard because I have the upper hand, the power, the control to change my story.

I visit my closet of skeletons every now and then. I understand we're imperfect. I understand there are old wounds that are indescribably difficult to speak about, even after years forward. There are things we still fault ourselves for and even when it's not. Things we regret. Things we are still dealing to heal from. Things we wish to change or to erase from our file of memories permanently.

Still, I have days I mope with doubt, second guessing myself with a weight of insecurities standing on both shoulders. Especially with my slow going career as a musical artist. But you know, I'm learning to be my own cheerleader. And that things doesn't work overnight. And not living in fear to taking risks.

If that means being a stretch away from home, from family and friends, homeless and not having stable income, it's a challenge I'm ready for. I don't ever want to look back and say, "I never tried".

My heart has been yearning for new adventures, new faces of strangers, better opportunities, a new kind of atmosphere of inspiration. And that's where I need to be right now. Where I belong. From every setback that road blocked in my path, I want to take and create a light of difference out of it.

Be a walking testimony to myself, and others around me. The sky has NO limit (I know. Cliche). Sitting around, pitying yourself isn't the answer.

I can't wait to see the growth from my blogs mature and blossom. I really want to stay persistent and dedicated. Writing is a tool of therapy for me.

As music production my major, I'm defiantly considering creative writing as my minor. I also think this is a helpful idea to improve on songwriting. They have this "Lyric 101" class on campus that I'm in dying NEED to take. 😂

It's basics for beginners but how could I turn it down?

I don't know why I suddenly feel nauseous. Feels like I haven't slept at all when I did take a nap earlier. Until next time. 💋

XO,

A.