Selfless

Prologue

I listen intently, willing the sounds of my labored breaths to overpower the sounds of the dripping tap . Drip... Drop....
I give a short yell and my grip on the sink tightens.
"Stop!" I demand, or at least what I hoped would be a demand but it comes out as a desperate plea. I cringe at the unfamiliar feeling settling at the pit of my stomach. Desperation.

As if sensing the attempt I'm about to make at regaining my strength, the darkness surrounds me, tightening its grip on me until a tortured and long scream of pain escapes my throat.
It soon turns into a full blown out sob that has my whole body shaking. Hot tears slide down my cheeks and they immediately blend with the sweat that my body doesn't feel the need to stop producing.

It darkness continues to engulf me, invading every inch of my skin. I can feel its grip tighten around my increasingly weakening form, forcing my breathes to become short, sharp and pained as they can all of a sudden come only in gasps. It chokes me until my vision starts to blur as the lack of oxygen starts to get to me.My legs seem close to collapsing on me and my eyes start to droop dangerously low. That's the point that the darkness decides to let go of its grip on me and my knees buckle immediately. Air! I clutch at my throat repeatedly, as though surprised it's still even there. And truthfully... I am. 

I shut my eyes sightly before open them again making the room tilt dizzyingly and my stomach heaves with every turn. I swallow and squint so I can focus on my surroundings. A door.
I cough painfully as I try to drag myself to the door across the bathroom. I can see a hallway through it. I am still crying, loudly for that fact as I drag myself to it, not having enough energy to pick myself up. I can feel the skin on my arms tear as I make slow progress towards it. At the end of the hallway there is light. I trudge on. I need to reach that light. I need to. I use the fear of the consequences of my failure to encourage me to move quicker, stronger.

I can feel its weight coming back again. The darkness that is. I drag myself again, my movements fueled by nothing but desperation and terror. The light seems to grow bigger with each movement I make as though taunting me. I continue to crawl desperately, feeling the warmth of the light kissing my face.
And then it grabs me. Pulling me back. "No! No no no! Stop! Help me! Someone please!" I scream and cry as I try to claw my way to the freedom that was so close I could almost reach out to. "Help!" I plead in a voice too throaty, too dry, too... broken to be mine as the darkness swallows me once again.

I bolt upright as I wake up in a pool of sweat, grabbing at the clothes I'm wearing to try and reassure myself that I'm back in reality. Hearing the dull sound of Tina's continues banging of her head against the bars in the cell across from mine does just that. I let out the breath I couldn't remember myself holding in the first place and close my eyes briefly as I slowly let the grasp I had on my clothes loosen and lie on my back. It was only a dream.
Well... actually, I believe the appropriate term would be nightmare, my know it all subconscious says in an annoying tone.
"Great, now I'm hearing voices in my head," I mumble rolling my now open eyes as I shift on my bunk so that I lay on my side which brings me face to face with yet another damp prison wall. Tina's soft thudding continues.
"Go to bed T!" I shout into the darkness. She pauses momentarily before she continues again. I sigh, too exhausted to press the issue go. It's not like I was going to fall asleep again any time soon anyway. I'd like to tell myself I get use to them a little bit more each time they happen but I lost my patience for lies a while ago. 

To try help me forget about it, I think about them. Their smiles, those adorable smiles that have the ability to brighten up my mood instantaneously. 'I wonder how much they've grown now?' 

And as those words words repeat themselves for what seems to be the millionth time in my head, a sharp pain stabs through my heart. I try to replay the memory of Emily's playful smirk in my head one more time but all it does is twist into that pained expression her features held as they dragged me away that day. I try to recollect Eli's laugh but all I hear is the heartbreaking scream that broke free from his throat , which still haunts me to this day, as they tore me away from him. I try to recollect their mischievous eyes but all I see is the depth of how much they broke them when they drove me away from them without giving me the chance to tell them how much I loved them even though I know my actions were confession enough.

Somehow, I think that made things worse. Maybe if I had told them that I hated them it would have made my leaving easier. Maybe if I fought harder the cops would have been forced to kill me then and there so that they could then mourn their me instead of waiting on me with the hope that they will see me again.

No. I force my eyes shut. I can't turn back the clock, I can't think about this. I shouldn't think like this.

Shoving my pain and guilt to the back of my mind with my final thought being that what happened was for the best. That they knew I loved them and would do anything for them. That I would rather let it be me who has my scars heal only for them to be cut open with the same blade again than theirs. They deserve happiness. They can live their lives now. The will live their lives now, even if it is without me.
Then why is it that no matter how much i want them to, those words do not comfort me. I let a single tear slip down my cheek as my mind drifts back to a thought I keep trying to push out. 

I smile, not for no other reason than to convince myself that it ill all be okay because it is the only thing that can help me fall asleep again.
But then it comes back. That thought. Stronger than ever, before it pushes it's way from the deepest part of my heart and mind. And like always, it tears away at my essence. It pounds at my head continuously and I know it won't stop until it fills my head. Usually I force it back down but I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting and tired of stopping it, so I give it permission to consume me. And it does.
That single broken and desperate voice that I try to get rid of voices the one question I am too afraid to answer.

And so I won't. Not yet.

Author's Note: Hi all! Hope y'all are enjoying the read thus far. Comments are not only encouraged but appreciated and don't hold back but do ;-)

Anywho... viva the vote and all things vivacious. Till next time

Crazily Yours

The Queen of all things Cold;-)

XOXO