Quietus - Book III

Chapter 6: Legal

*September 17, 2010*

In the mornings, he was so sweet on my tongue and at night, salty and sweaty.

Impenetrable, his eyes were cold stones right before he threw me up against the wall. Darkness.

Fire in the water. There was so much light and fluidity. He was open for me. No one would snuff him out.

Golden flecks in my kryptonite watching my every move. I was dazed by his attention. His pleas rendered me speechless, all in a British accent.

"You can't change."

I was close. His fingers were lightning. We were close but not close enough.

After weeks of sweet iterations filtering in and out of my daily activities, this morning, I woke up coated in sweat, my hands dipped into my panties. I ached from the incessant thumping and was on the brink of coming.

"You're so wet." I heard him moan this time. "Make it last."

I was shocked of his command the first time, afraid of its implications. I had to go to the emergency room the night he left because of my panic attack. What if that was the tip of the iceberg? What if I were really going insane?

I hadn't stayed awake or lucid long enough to either answer that question or ponder others. A full packet of Benadryl left me pleasantly sluggish. They didn't help me sleep, though. I had woken up three times last night. I was at the precipice when I opened my eyes. His eyes were so close but disappeared when I inhaled my surroundings and exhaled my dreams.

Now, I could taste his lips as his command penetrated each eager pore. With every breath, I smelled his lust. His tongue wet my skin. He was inside of me. His love flooded my brain, and I found myself unable to follow this command. I came with a quiet shudder and a sharp curse, shame rolling through me.

Falling to the floor, I stared at the rumpled sheets and comforter on my floor. Neither belonged here. The t-shirt brushing against my pebble-like nipples wasn't mine. I yanked it off, throwing it across the room.

God, he would hate me for lying on these sheets. Phoebe's sheets.

But every single one of my drawers were filled with clothes from her. I didn't know where I'd be if she hadn't shown up at the penthouse.

Is where I am right now better than if she hadn't?

I showered, knowing the answer and ignoring the way my clit felt like the Energizer bunny beat its mallet against it.

"You can't change."

I finished washing my hair, about to get on my knees and pray to an unknown god to kill the bunny.

"You can't change."

I brushed my teeth, confident in the potency of the remaining Benadryl.

"You can't change."

Yes, this is better than if she never came. I have my dreams and memories and his voice.

Grabbing a mug decorated in daisies off my nightstand, I headed to the kitchen for a refill. I propped my elbows on the counter next to the sink, letting the water run for a bit before filling my cup with tap water. Then, I grabbed the aluminum packet of gel caps off the top of my refrigerator.

"No! No! No, goddammit! No!"

I hurled the packet across the room, but it coasted slower than a full pack would have because it was empty. I threw the mug to the floor, reveling in the sight and sound of its smashing against the linoleum, wanting to scream. Hearing Nicholas's sweet words silenced me.