Precious and fragile things

3.

Andy was quick to plaster a smile on his face as the two returned with bags of food whereas Martin tried, but it was a nervous smile, and he was pretty sure it showed.

"I hope Chinese is okay" Dave said taking out an array of foods and putting them on the table along with some plates. "Alan wanted it" Dave said.

"That's cool, you know I love Chinese" Fletch said smiling. "Y-yeah, thanks" Martin stuttered still a nervous wreck from his previous conversation with Andy.

As the four settled down and eased into conversation Martin allowed himself to distance himself from their conversations.

Martin allowed his mind to go blank as he zoned out from everyone talking.

He didn't want to sound pathetic but he didn't like how close everyone was to him, he hated the proximity. He trusted the band, they're his best friends but he couldn't help but feel nervous as people would move slightly around him and he'd notice his heart quicken it's beat.

He absolutely hated those guys so much. What they did to him had made him uncomfortable around his life long friends. He knew they would never hurt him but even the smallest of movements seemed to scare the blonde boy now. Loud noises. He didn't like them either, but he also hated the silence. When everything around him was silent everything was only louder for him.

As he zoned out from the others, Martin allowed himself to think about what the others would think if he told them the truth.

Fletch would probably be so disappointed in him. Disappointed to find out that Martin let them do that to him. That Martin was so weak and pathetic. Martin could imagine Fletch's eyes filled with disappointment and he'd barely be able to make eye contact with Martin, and Martin would beg him to at least look at him even if he didn't talk to him, but Fletch wouldn't want to or be able to.

Next Martin thought about Alan. He'd see Martin as being disgusting. He'd seem him as dirty and sinful. He'd be angry, so angry and he wouldn't want anything to do with Martin.

Worst of all though, would be Dave. Dave would realise that his boyfriend is pathetic and weak. Dave would be disgusted at the thought of touching and kissing someone as tainted as Martin. He'd see Martin as nothing more than dirt.

Dave would break up with him, definitely. The rest of the band also wouldn't want to be anywhere near him. He'd be kicked out and no matter how much he would beg they wouldn't let him stay and Martin would have to give up his fight and leave.

Although they had grabbed him and Martin had said no countless times he kept finding new ways to blame himself.

Maybe if I hadn't of worn that bondage gear.
Maybe if I put up more of a fight.
Maybe if I was stronger.

Martin was snapped out of his thought when he felt a hand touch his shoulder and he flinched away from the touch.

Martin looked up to see Dave watching down on him his eyes full of concern. "Mart?" Dave mumbled. "Are you okay?" He asked.

No.

Of course he didn't feel okay not in any way and he didn't think he'd ever feel okay ever again but he didn't want to talk about his feelings and he sure as hell didn't want to put up a fight.