Lie

Lie, Revised Version

I wake up every morning, and it feels like another day of living a terrible lie. I get out of my bed, which is situated in the most boring and depressing bedroom in the world. There aren't any posters or books or movies or CDs. Nothing that defines who I am. And it's because I'm living a lie.

My parents would never accept me if I told them I was gay. In fact, I don't even know if they accept me now, even if they think I'm straight. So, I play the role of a straight guy for them, for the school, even for my masculine friends, who are the type of people my parents love seeing me hang out with. I keep my bedroom as boring as possible because I can't put up posters for Rihanna or Lady Gaga or any artists I like without my parents questioning my sexuality. I've never owned a bookshelf because I'm afraid my parents will be horrified by books like Simon Vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, Two Boys Kissing, Almost Perfect, and even Every Day. I love these books, but I've never been able to hold them in my hand. Instead, I've gotten along by buying them on my phone. I've always enjoyed paperback. The smell of the fresh parchment and the feel of the paper in my hand can't compete with an app on my cell phone.

My Mom has always read about the dangers of literature online. I used to try and be bold and buy paperbacks. I'd have them delivered to the house, but somehow she always managed to find the package before I did. She'd insist that I wasn't allowed to read them until she gave them a thorough inspection. And so, when I bought the box set of The Mortal Instruments, she tossed them in the trash, appalled by the fact that there were gay characters in the novels. 

Maybe she'll throw me in the trash as well.

My Dad is just as bad. When he caught me listening to Rihanna, he smacked me across the face and told me I wasn't going to be a fucking faggot. 

So, I live a lie. Why should I try and be who I wanna be? It's not like I even have to be gay to like this stuff. Why is it that guys who like music other than rap and punk rock are gay? Just because a guy enjoys "Born This Way" and "Only Girl (In the World)" doesn't mean they're gay. Why is it that people who read books with gay characters are labeled gay? So what if guys like the character like Simon Spier or Magnus Bane? Yeah, I know it sounds stupid hearing this from somebody who is in fact gay. But I know that there are straight guys who know every word to "Paparazzi" and ship Malec. 

Answer me this...why do certain interests make you gay?

It's not like listening to Rihanna made me gay! I just like her music.

I read coming out stories online all the time, and I'm always amazed by how stupid these kids parents are.

"Do you want attention? Did you want to feel different?"

As if being gay was even my choice! Do you think that someone like me, living with parents who hate gay people and talk about them like disgusting bugs they want to squash, would choose to be gay? Why would anyone want to endure so much hate and so much pain? I know I should be proud of who I am, but sometimes I wish I could be straight. That would make my life a hell of a lot easier. Why do I have to desire to change something about me that isn't wrong?

Above all, why do I have to live a lie?

Why do I have to pretend every day of my life that I'm someone I'm not? Why do I have to be so scared of my parents and my family and kids at school and the world? Why can't people just love other people for who they are? Is that too much to ask?

But life isn't a delightful musical number with rainbow flags on every corner and pride stickers at the grocery store.

I'd like to believe it could be like that.

I guess my life is just one big lie...