Stay With Me ✔

21.

"Rave?" I say again as I step closer to him. He's sitting on the steps of my front porch, his jaw ticking as he clenches it in anger. I know he saw what just happened and despite how angry and disappointed I am with him, I don't want him to think the kiss with Cade meant anything - I need him to know that I didn't want it, that I was caught off guard and didn't kiss him back. 

He stands up and looks down at me, so many emotions are playing out on his face and I can't get a read on him. "So you assume the worst of me and run off to Cade?" 

I flinch at his tone, so cold and harsh. "No, I...that's not..."

"Not what, Kylie? You didn't get pissed at me and then go out with him?" He's louder now, his voice and anger rising, which only fuels my own anger.

The text I saw on his phone yesterday flashes into my mind and fight back the tears and instead say what is on my mind, "I went out with him because you had a fun night with Lexy!" I use air quotations around the words fun night, and he throws his hands in the air, scoffing. 

"I didn't cheat on you with her. If you would have given me a chance to explain, you would know that!" He takes a step closer to me and under the porch light I can see the bright green color in his wide eyes. I don't know how long he's been out here, but he looks tired again, like he hasn't been sleeping. 

Well, neither have I. I didn't get any sleep last night because I was up all night crying over him and the crack he put in my heart, again. 

"You're right, Rave! You didn't cheat on me, you can't because you're not my boyfriend!" The words feel as sharp as they sound when they leave my lips and for a second, hurt flashes across Rave's perfect face. 

"You're right. I'm not your boyfriend." He's no longer shouting, instead his voice is low and hoarse, like all the fight was just knocked out of him. Seeing him like this, it made my anger fade just as quickly as it came. There's no point in arguing and yelling at each other, I knew all along this would happen and I got my hopes up anyway. I'm just as much to blame as he is in a way. 

"Just go back to her, Rave." I look away from him and want to desperately run into my house and curl into a ball in my bed - a bed that also holds memories of him. He's everywhere now and I don't know how I'm going to escape the memories. 

"I don't want to go back to her, Kylie. I-"

"You already did!" I cut him off, not wanting to hear lies and excuses. I just want this to be over so that I can try and get over him - again. 

"I did not!" His voice rises to match mine and we're back to shouting at each other. It's a good thing I don't have any close by neighbors, or the cops would definitely have been called by now. 

"Then what was that text I saw on your phone, huh?" I don't look away, I keep my eyes glues to his so that he can see the anger and betrayal behind my stare. I want him to know that I know and that it hurt - it hurt more than anything, it hurt more than the first time he picked her over me. 

"It wasn't what you think, Ky. Nothing happened, I just went to help her with something and we hung out for awhile." He took another step forward, his green eyes begging for me to believe him, and I want to, but I don't think I can. He was being so vague that it sounded a lot like a lie to me. 

"What did you help her with?" 

I can see him trying to think of an answer, I can practically see the wheels turning in his brain as he tries to make up something that will sound good, something that will make me fall for his lie and forgive him - only to be hurt again in the future. "I can't tell you that. It's not my story to tell." 

This time, I scoff. I roll my eyes and push past him and towards the door, twisting my key in the lock. "That's just great, Rave." 

"Ky, wait, I-"

I spin around, done with this emotional roller coaster of a conversation. "No, Rave. I don't want to hear it. Go help Lexy with whatever she needs help with and leave me alone." I push the door open and he grabs my wrist, not aggressively but it makes me stop. I hate the way my body reacts to the contact, I hate that I'm still getting that warm tingle from his touch. 

I can feel his eyes on me, watching as I try to control my breathing and avoid his scrutiny. "Kylie, I swear to you, nothing happened." 

I can't do this, I can't listen to him when his voice is breaking like this. I can't fall for it, I can't let my heart be this vulnerable again. I'm still not looking at him, instead I'm staring at the welcome mat under my feet. We should really get a new one of those, you can barely even read this one anymore, it's so old. Rave's hand is still around my wrist and I can feel the cool air from inside the house coming through the open door. 

"Kylie..." I close my eyes, hating how I want to comfort him and take away the hurt in his voice. I hate how good he is at this, at making me question everything I'm so sure about. All I can think about right now is the time he sounded just like this, broken and confused, at the park - the day before he went back to Lexy after telling me he didn't know what to do. 

"Ky, you said you trusted me." He's right, I did tell him I trusted him. But that was before, that was when I thought he was in this like I was. 

"Let me go, Rave." I pull my hand free and step into the house. His hand falls back to his side and I can still feel his eyes on me when I turn to close the door. I make the mistake of looking at him and my heart breaks - not for me, but for him and the way he looks right now. 

Rave keeps a lot of secrets, I know that, I've always known that. He's always tired and won't tell me why, the comment about being used to sleeping on the floor that he pretends he didn't say, the way he talks to my mom like they share some big secret, and they way he tenses whenever I mention going to his house.

All he has to do is open up to me, and everything would be a lot easier, but he doesn't, and that's why I can't trust him on this. I can't push the thought of Lexy knowing his secrets out of my mind, so of course I think he went back to her. They share something that he won't share with me. "Rave, how can I trust you when you don't trust me?" 

He opens his mouth to speak but then closes it again, shaking his head and staring at me in silence for what feels like eternity. I start to close the door, "Goodnight, Rave." 

"Kylie, wait!" 

I pull the door back open and wait for him to tell me that he'll tell me everything, that he'll explain and prove me wrong about Lexy, but instead, "Why did you go on a date with Cade?" He practically spits Cade's name, and I can tell that he's still pissed he saw me with Cade. 

"It wasn't a date, not at first. We'd planned to go to a concert together last month, and when I saw the text from Lexy, I told him it could be a date." Unlike Rave, I have no problem being honest. 

A mix of emotions play out across his face and flash in his eyes, "Did you kiss him back?" This is the question that is most important to him, I can tell by the way his whole body tensed in anticipation for my answer, and the way he's holding my eyes with his own. 

"No." 

He nods and I see him relax a little, as if this is some small victory and there's not a million other issues between us right now. He digs his keys out of his pocket, "Goodnight, Princess." 

I watch him walk to his car, in shock from everything that had just happened in the past few minutes. We had both gone from hot to cold and back again so fast in such little time, it was like a whirlwind and now he's gone and I'm more confused than before.