I have to work tomorrow and here I am writing this.. I know what everyone's thinking "Tere you need to sleep. You don't get enough sleep. You need to sleep for work. Etc etc.." To be completely honest, there's stuff I need to get off my chest and this is really the only place I can put it.
First of all, I haven't been okay. Not for a while now. I've been really depressed and down lately. I don't even know how to put it in words that's how down I've been. Maybe I'm stressed? At least that's what everyone says.. I want to believe it but I don't think that's it. I know its not because of my period because I've been feeling this way for months.
Secondly, I've been thinking. Like a lot. I've been thinking so much that I've considered going back to not eating again. I just watched a movie on Netflix about Anerexia and I felt really bad. But I still want to be skinny. Not crazy skinny like before but a healthy skinny. I did the 3 Day Military Diet and it wasn't that bad in the end. I know its supposed to be 3 days but I might do a week or 2 of it. Another thing, I've been feeling that familiar itch on my legs again. Crazy thing is I want to act on that itch. Like right now would be perfect. But I've been a year and some months clean so I don't want to break that. Whenever I get this itch I try to stay as busy as possible. My leg has a prickly feeling and its ugh.
Lastly, my self esteem ran away. I felt so good about myself for a while. I couldn't believe how good I felt. I know I've lost weight but it still doesn't feel good. I tried on pants and they fit, and to be honest, they were a little loose on my hips. So why do I feel so bad about myself? I used to love taking pictures. Now its like it used to be. Whenever I see myself in a picture I want to throw up and cry because to me that's an ugly pig and why are people even taking pictures of me? I have a fat face, my smile is ugly, and I have so many pimples. A lot of people have wanted my picture, mostly friends though. At work we did a "family picture", its just pictures of employees around the store and I was told I had to take a picture. I saw the picture posted today and I honestly felt so gross. There was a pit in my stomach and I had to look at that all day and now all month and next. To make it worse someone took a recording of me and the picture.. I know they didn't mean anything by it. They were just playing and its like something that person would do. Its mandatory for them to do that and I saw no problem in it at the moment. But I saw the recording and cried. I'm crying now to be totally honest. My stomach hurts and I feel like I need another shower.. You know who you are and its not your fault I didn't tell you any of this!!!
Well that's all I guess.. Writing this helped the smallest bit. Like I didn't even scratch the surface with this. I can't put how I feel into words... I just hurt and I don't know where it hurts. Deep down I hurt. Its like a black hole is eating me from the inside out? That's the best way I can put it into words.
So I'm sorry about that... Its 3:22 am and I work at 3pm today so I guess I'm gonna try to sleep now. Night
