Jas. Hook, Captain

Bad Form

Have you ever heard the roar of a cannon, the violent eruption that pains your bones? It is a grotesque experience, not only for the sake of the physical destruction wrought upon its target, but the glorious disruption of silence that permeates the space between friend and foe.

I reveled in the disharmony if only for the peace it brought. In the moments after each volley, that inescapable tick tick ticking was drowned by the deafening blast.

Now picture if you will a full broadside from a two-decker man-of-war. I did not imagine Peter or his Lost Boys meeting their demise. Rather I envisioned the entirety of Neverland torn from its moorings and thrown, scattered into the sea, with no evidence that it had ever existed but a few lingering splinters of flotsam and jetsam bobbing on the water.

Below decks, my crew had shed the last vestiges of boyhood. The tell-tale signs of their manhood was evident in the stubble on their chins and the roughness of their hands, the timbre of their vulgar voices.

"Cap'n?"

"Again!"

"Cap?"

"I said again, Smee! Another volley if you please!"

Smee quailed and began barking orders which were relayed below by members of the crew till once more the shriek and grunt of the cannonade belched forth fire and ruin and abject desolation.

When the smoke cleared, acrid and blue, I saw the island remained as I knew it would. The guns had cleared a ragged scar through the forest, and all ears strained for the expected cries of the wounded.

As the ticking of the crocodile loomed near, a noise like birds fell lightly across the beach, tiptoed over the water, and washed up against the ship like rays of sunshine after a storm.

They were laughing at us.

"Good morning, James! We hear you knocking you double-decker woodpecker of an ancient, balding, mule-faced scab! Come for tea?!"

I seethed, striking the rail with my fist. I shook my other limb at the voice.

"You did this to me, and now I'll have your skin!"

"A hook, is it?! Well now! Captain Hook! Come on, then, coward! That croc is hungry. I aim to feed him another of your poxy pieces!"

"Smee!" I cried, boiling with rage. "Bring forth the bait for my hook. I mean to catch a fish!"

A creak of a block.

A squeak of rope.

A shadow overhead.

The sting of utter betrayal.

It pained me greatly to be so cruel, but the path before me was predetermined.

"Lower away!"

Men bustled.

A wheel cranked.

Tiger Lily sank lower, her face set like stone, her body bound tightly and swinging from a yardarm. Below, the crocodile surfaced, its jaw gaping.

"Man the boats! Face them on land!" I bellowed.

"But Sir! What about Pan?" Smee whinged.

"Leave him to me!" I sneered and brandished my sword.

The boats away, I grinned as the girl inched down and down towards those ravenous teeth.

A burst of green.

A streak in the sky.

A flashing sword.

Our steel met with a grinding shriek. Staring down into Pan's face, I felt nothing of my former kinship. He was like a stranger to me now. One I knew all too well.

"Let her go, Hook. This is between you and me!"

"On the contrary," I spat, striking at his defense. "I mean to be the enemy of all who side with the Prince of the Wild."

Pan shot into the air.

He aimed to catch her.

I swung hard, severing the rope.

A shrill scream.

A shadow plummeting.

And then stillness.

Rushing to the rail, I expected to see the crocodile satisfying its lust for flesh. The water boiled.

"Where...?" I began to ask.

Another shadow above.

"Bad form, Hook! You balding baboon buttock!"

Tiger Lily draped around him as they soared towards shore where a battle raged.

I intended to go after them, but as I climbed down a ladder, a new line of tenors joined the choir of chaos. Blackfoot warriors streamed from the trees, and in moments my pirates were in full retreat.

"Fight them!" I commanded, but suddenly a flotilla of canoes appeared. My men scattered, relaunching the boats and cursing the oarsmen to paddle faster.

I took a step lower, meaning to rally them and turn the battle back to the beach, but a clumping snap sent me back onto the deck.

The ladder was shorn off, and trailing from the crocodile's mouth.

"This isn't over, Pan!" I cried. "I'll find you in your den and..."

But the ticking suddenly grew frightfully loud and I and those who had returned in time made our escape.