Pages Won't Turn

Chapter 4 Addison

I once said that on the first step I fell. I tend to get ahead of myself sometimes. This is one of those times. I had been at self-injury program for only two day when I handed in my first writing assignment. I wasn't sure what Valiska would say about how I viewed myself...

Assignment #1
I am a very sensitive, kind and caring person. I'm willing to do just about anything for a friend. Intellectually I feel that I'm of average intelligence. I'm also willing to learn new things all the time. Fact finding is my hobby. I feel that in manner and behavior I act shy at first. I look and listen to my surroundings before I try to talk to people. When I get to know others I'm willing to open up and joke around. I'm also willing to help others out when they are in trouble.

I am an adult, woman daughter, sister, spouse and mother. I'm glad to be an adult because I can make my own choices. As a woman I feel like we should be respected more. I also love that we are able to be the ones to give birth to babies. As a daughter I feel like a failure, disappointment, as well as an embarrassment. I'm not the perfect baby my mom expected or wanted. As a sister I think I'm not the worst but not the best. I have been there for Amelia every time she has asked me to be there. I don't call her as often as I should. We live very different lives and I could be more interested in hers. I am the worst spouse ever because I don't contribute much to the relationship as far as chores. I also have a bad temper so we fight. I have cheated on him either emotionally or sexually. As a mother when Reese was born I was the best. There wasn't anything I couldn't give her. As she got older I became sicker and wasn't the best mom. Matt has acted the role as mother and father since she was three. There were times I never got out of bed. I wish I could go back and change things. I know I can't so all I can do is try to be better from this point on.

My strengths would be that I forgive people for their mistakes. When I have my mind set to do something I will achieve my goal. I care about the people I love. I'm a good artist when it comes to drawing and photography. I'm a pretty good writer. When I open up to someone who I love I love deeply. I'm very romantic. My weakness are I trust too much. I tend to forgive when I've been broken. I'm extremely sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily. When I get rejected I tend to close up like a turtle who goes into its shell. I can't say no to people and set boundaries. When I hurt over and over I still go back for more. I don't stand up for myself. I injure when I can't take the pain instead of expressing my feelings. I don't cry and express emotions unless I'm happy. I need someone who will listen instead of hearing me. I need to have my thoughts and feelings validated. I need a better mother. I need to be understood. I need to feel safe and secure. I need to grieve the death of my father. I need as much time as I need to recover from my rape. I need to learn how to cry. I need to have a closer relationship with my sister. I need the truth about my birth mother. I need to see and touch and see what parts of me looks like her.

I want to change the way I handle my feelings. I want to change the way I interact with Reese when I'm depressed. I want to change the fact that I'm sensitive with my feelings. I want to change my weight so I look like I did in high school. I want to change people's perception of self-injurers. I would never change my loyalty when it comes to friends. I wouldn't change my passion or my romantic side. I wouldn't change my artistic ability. I wouldn't ever change my passion for knowledge.

I read over Valiska's notes after she handed it back to me. She told me that no one is perfect. When I wrote about cheating emotionally or sexually she asked me what I got out of it. When I spoke about my role as Sydney's mom she asked me if I ever stopped to think how I felt abandoned by my mom and now Sydney will too. She told me that I need to focus on getting myself better. She said what makes me feel not validated? When I said I need to learn how to cry she said YES I do. I was asked what will it do for me to see my birth mom. So many questions and I didn't know the answers to some of them. I retreated back to my bedroom to think about how this assignment made me feel.