Chapter 5 Scarlett

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When I sat down on the couch in the living room I noticed a few people were wondering what had happened. I also was aware of the fact that Addie was not out here with the rest of us. It wasn't my intention to hurt Addie in any way. I knew she might need time to collect her thoughts so I decided to read. I had brought a book with me in case we had free time. I figured I could get lost in a book while Addie was handling the way I reacted to her. I walked into my room and picked up The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. By the time I looked up at the clock on the wall it was 10:30 p.m. Addie hadn't come out of her room all night. I wanted to talk to her but I had noticed that when Addie is scared she tends to withdraw. I noticed it when she talked in group. Nurse Betty interrupted my thoughts by telling me that it was time for bed.

I walked into my bedroom but I wasn't exactly tired. I figured I would write an assignment so I would have less work to do the following day. The assignment asked How I would like to Intimately relate to others.

A) What does intimacy mean to you and what role does it play in your life?

Intimacy is something private between two people. I tend to think it's sharing a sexual act of some kind. Then there are intimate moments that are emotional. There are times people can be emotionally intimate. I think this is more intimate than sexual intimacy because anyone can take their clothes off. To share your soul with someone seem more intimate. Dreams, hopes, fears and love. I am loved by my parents and brother. I'm close with my best friend Madison but I don't share anything about my self injury with them. It's not that I don't want to. It's more that I'm not sure how to.

B) Describe a time when your intimacy level was most gratifying: Description of the partner. Style of interaction, type of relationship. Context and content of intimacy that was gratifying.
The partner was my mom. She's about 5'6" and she has short brown hair. Blue eyes and She's very warm and welcoming. It's a typical mother daughter relationship. I had been home cooking dinner for the two of us. It was a few days before I came here. I said "Mom I'm sorry that I didn't come to you when I first started self-injuring. I thought I could handle it myself but then it got worse. I just want to always be your little girl. I know that I'm in college which means soon I'll be an adult. My mom hugged me and when she let me go she said "Scarlett, you'll always be my baby. I wish you would have let me help you with your problem but I'm here now and we can do anything together.

C) Describe your fantasies of what a gratifying intimate experience would be like.

I would like to feel comfortable with someone enough that I would let them see all of who I am. Emotionally, and psychically. I have never had a physical relationship with anyone. I'm scared of standing before someone naked and letting them look at me. I haven't experienced anything more than a kiss. I think it would be gratifying to trust someone and for us to drop our guard and come together as one in a sexual experience.

D) What would it take to bring your day to day life in line with your wishes?

I first would have to find someone I was attracted to and they would find me attractive. We would have to date awhile and when we both feel ready we would reach the point of being intimate sexually. I would also like to make new friends who I can share other non sexual personal things with.

Morning seemed to come so much faster. I woke up before Blair did. I got ready and went out to the kitchen for breakfast. When I sat down Joy asked me if everything was okay? I didn't want anyone else to know what had happened with Addie so I said I was fine. As everyone else showed up for breakfast my attention was drawn into conversations about who was going to roleplay first. I looked up from my book at one point and met eyes with Addie. Her eyes looked so sad and apprehensive. She looked away first and it broke my heart. I had asked Addie to be my roleplay partner two days before.

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