A Howl in the Night

~ Too Late to Back Down, Too Early to Give Up

I have no thoughts. I am experiencing a feeling-probably-but it is too hard for me to even describe, stretching beyond both words and expressions.

Xavier is kissing me, and I never thought it would ever feel quite this.... good.

Good is a pretty overused term, used to explain tons of different emotions and is placed in many contexts, but in this case the word should be taken as a mere placeholder for a reality so undefinable that I wish it would last forever. Something so strange and beautiful loses its impact through communication, which goes for many things, and can only be delivered through experience.

It is almost like the one time when I was a little girl, and my parents took me to the beach for the first and last time in my life. I remember standing there, my feet sinking into the pure white sand, in awe of the magnificence surrounding me. I could taste the hint of salt on my tongue, the wind caressing my tiny body. The sun would cast its glow upon me, making me feel like an angel bathed in holy light. And the water felt so cold, so refreshing, that I just wanted to simply dissolve and become nothing, emptying my mind so I could be immersed in the beauty. So I could etch that moment into my memory, and never forget it for the rest of my life.

In many ways, this moment resembles my other inexplicable experiences, but in other ways it takes me beyond a mere wish or desire. Yes, it feels wonderful, unlike a kiss ever should, but the urgency of my emotions shock me more than anything else. I am in a frenzy, willing to do anything to keep intensifying the experience (for lack of a better term). There is more to my life that I must consider, but strangely all of those considerations have flown away. It is like nothing matters anymore, except for this.

There's some sense of nostalgia that comes with this as well, something that bothered me last time I kissed him. It feels so real, but it is almost ethereal as well, like we are not only connected through our lips both through our souls as well. And even though it should be, it isn't a new feeling at all. I get a small sense of it every time I look at him, every moment that he enters my thoughts. It just makes me wonder where on earth it is coming from.

The only thing that makes sense is that there might be some truth to the words of my companions concerning Xavier and I's past relationship. That my memory was wiped, along with strange markings that should be on my body. That everything I believe about myself during this time has been a lie, and I'm actually a big softie with a hard shell. I don't want to believe that Xavier is mine... or do I? Even now, the thought causes butterflies in my stomach, and I let out an involuntary moan.

"Shh," Xavier whispers in a low, husky voice. "Do you want the rest of them to hear you?" My eyes open, and I stare at him, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time. "Don't... look at me like that," he says softly, leaning in and kissing my brow bone.

His lips touch my eyelids, trailing down my nose and cheeks. I can't help but wonder, as I look at his face, what he could possibly be thinking. He seems so calm and measured, tearing my defenses with accuracy and not wasting a singly movement. Has he ever lost himself? I find myself wanting to know the answer more than anything else.

A warmth touches my lips, and I feel my bottom lip being gently bitten as he teases my mouth open. As soon as I do so, his tongue pushes in, and I am taken with surprise. So there is more to everything... and I want it all.

This should be really gross. I would never imagine a guy's tongue in my mouth a day ago, or even a week ago. In the logical side of my brain, it's all just really weird. Tongues are for eating and communicating. Mouths in general are for eating and communicating. Those human body parts have no other use, and should only be used in those given purposes. But now the sun has set, and the brightness of the moon has risen over the dark landscape. It is a new world out there, one full of mystery and enigmas with neither sense nor reason.