Hopeless || m.yg

Three

"Everyone thinks I am such a happy person and that I have it all together. What they don't know is that I'm dying on the inside. I don't have it all together. I'm falling apart."
--Unknown

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My eyes snap over to the now open door, my tears still falling and my arm still holding my shirt up. I see Jimin standing in the doorway with his eyebrows furrowed and I let out a sob I've been holding in. He immediately walks into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him quickly and wrapping me up in a hug. I'm uncomfortable as he's able to feel all my bones, but I need this hug. I haven't had a hug from him in so long and I miss his hugs. 

My sobs rack through my frail body, each one making my body shake. It's almost like I can feel my bones shaking. Jimin has me sit on top of the counter, leaning into him and he just holds me, letting me sob into his chest. I can feel the hesitation when he starts to rub my back, feeling each one of my vertebrae on my spine, but I don't care right now; I'm too hysterical to care. On my other side, his hand rests on the lower part of my rib cage. He sets his cheek on the top of my head.

"Shhh," he comforts me, still rubbing my back. "It's okay. You're okay. I'm here." 

He helps me to focus on my breathing and after a little while my labored breaths turn into normal, deep breaths to fill my lungs completely. I lift my head up and look at Jimin's face. He has a sympathetic smile and a look of concern in his eyes. I sniffle and he wipes the last few tears off my cheeks. I rub my eyes with small fists and he pulls me in tight for a hug.

"I understand."

There's full sincerity in his voice and I can't even begin to imagine how he could ever understand. I mean, come on, he's perfect. Perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect face, perfect body.

"I was the same way for a long time. I stopped eating and I started to work my ass off. Fans--and myself--kept telling me I was fat and everything. You remember when we first met and I had really chubby cheeks?" I nod, a tired smile coming across my face. I've always loved Jimin's chubby cheeks, but they're gone now and have been for a long time... "Remember how I didn't have abs or super huge muscles?" I nod again, this time my smile faltering before disappearing entirely. "It meant to other people--and to myself--that I was too fat.

"It meant that I needed to get skinny, but no matter how hard I tried--how healthy I ate or how much I worked out--I couldn't seem to do it. So I stopped eating. If I noticed the guys start to get suspicious, I would use the food cutting trick and eat small bites to appease them. And afterward I would work even harder than before to get it out of my system." He takes a deep breath, a sad look coming across his face as he hangs his head. I reach out and grab his hand, rubbing circles on the back with my thumb. I don't stop staring at his face, but it takes him a minute to continue.

"It really damaged me, Noona." He only has ever called me Noona when he was being sincere and serious. And that forces my stomach to plummet. He looks up and makes dead eye contact with me before continuing. "It took me a long time to become healthy again. It was hard. I didn't want to. I wanted to stay skinny and I wanted people to like me still. But when I got better, I realized that people do like me when I'm healthy. That they like me no matter what and only want the best for me.

"Like I want the best for you." My breath catches in my throat, but I force it in and out, never breaking my gaze. "Noona, I know that the thoughts are hard to control. I have been there. But you need to know that you have me, and you have Alex, and you have the other guys. You even have Yoongi hyung, believe it or not. I just want you to be healthy."

"Jimin." My voice is barely a whisper, but I have to tell him. He deserves to know. "Jimin, this isn't the first time this has happened." His face contorts into one of confusion. "This is my third relapse. It's happened four times now.