Silent Souls (Wattys 2014)

Chapter Five

Her

‘Hey,’ I say softly.

I’m sitting outside on his doorstep, the drizzling rain falling lightly onto my shoulders as I lean against his door, my fingers tracing circles in the wood as I struggle to find the words.

What do you say to a boy who’s constantly been on your mind – the boy who’s avoided you for a week after…after…

I try not to think about it.

‘I just wanted to say…I’m sorry.’ My voice comes out so much weaker than I’d expected. I have no idea why this is taking such a toll; I know he’s not there. ‘I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you. I just…’ I trail off, taking in a shuddery breath. ‘I just want to know why you’ve been avoiding me.’ My voice cracks on the last word, and I struggle to maintain composure. I pause in my position, thinking for a second that I can hear him breathing from the other side of the door. But that’s crazy. Chances are, he’s probably out with some other girl…someone better. ‘I know you’re not there, but I’m so sorry, OK? I-I just…I miss you.’ Too much, I want to add, but I don’t, because I know that if I try again, the tears will come flooding out instead of the words.

Him

‘Hey.’ Her voice is soft. So soft.

Soft like her lips…

‘I just want to know why you’ve been avoiding me,’ she whispers, and the way her voice cracks tugs at my heartstrings, and I have to ball my hands up into fists, close my eyes, and just breathe…

‘I know you’re not there,’ she says, although I am. Right here, on the other side of the door. And I would open it right now…if I could. But I can’t.

Because it’s her. It’s her. She’s funny. She’s sweet. She’s shy. She’s smart. She’s beautiful.

She’s amazing.

And…me? I’m just not.

Her

I come back the next day. And the next. And the day after that.

He’s never there. The door’s always closed, and it stays that way.

‘Are you there?’ I whisper.

I remember the day he stood in the pouring rain in the midst of the storm and the flood with the cards, the look in his eyes as he let the last card fall.

‘I…I can’t stop thinking about you.’

I wonder whether I imagined the passion in which he embraced me in the rain, and his reluctance to let go.

‘I-if there’s any part of you that feels anything for me…’

The past two weeks. The idle touches that passed between us. The smiles he’d give me. The way he’d brush my hair away from my face. The times we’d fall asleep next to one another.

‘I miss you so much,’ I whisper, my eyesight blurring as tears fill my eyes. So much it hurts.

 

Him

I know she’s hurting. I know that she wants this – us.