A Third Attempt At Everything (CrankGameplays)

18

17th November 2017

I consciously made sure I was alone in the apartment before getting out of bed. I knew Phil had started seeing someone and frequented coffee shops and parks with him. I also knew Ethan had started coming round to secretly do my chores, thinking I wouldn't notice. I did notice, and as much as I knew he was still just trying to help me get back on my feet, it was only making me feel like a piece of shit. It made me think he didn't think I could do it on my own. I'd been doing things alone long before I met him.

Slipping out from under my duvet, I ran a hand through my hair, pulling out a few loose strands. I flipped open my laptop, turning it on and staring at it for a second but leaving the room anyway because I knew that Phil would've left the coffee machine on for me. He knew I had been awake, considering that I'd liked one of his photos on Instagram. He had shouted out to me when he left.

The cold air brushed against my bare legs as I slid my way into the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing the milk. I smiled to myself as I listened to the buzz of the coffee machine. I ran around my apartment, grabbing my laptop, phone and a jumper that I pulled over my head. I ended up sitting at the kitchen counter to drink my coffee and check my emails.

At eleven I went downstairs to check our mail, seeing the envelope from the school that was supposed to have arrived a while ago but never did. I sent a photo to Ethan as I climbed the stairs again, crossing paths with a neighbour from another level. She stopped me and asked if I'd be able to babysit her son tonight. It wasn't the first time she had asked. I'd babysat the kid a few times, a three-year-old that was really loving life. I told her that Ethan had planned to come over that night - which he had - but that it should be fine. I smiled and waved her off, before going back inside.

I took a shower and got dressed, playing music through my phone as I forced my legs into a pair of generic skinny jeans. I put on one of Ethan's long sleeve shirts that he had left here over a week ago and knew he was never getting back now.

I sat myself down at the counter again, to recheck my emails and open Dropbox. There was nothing new there, not they I didn't know that. I hadn't gotten a notification at all today. Still, I preoccupied myself with an open webpage and music. Sleeping At Last played quietly as I rested my finger on the mousepad, my eyes stared at the home screen. I was lost at what to look at.

Ethan walked in, having unlocked the downstairs door. He smiled at me as he took off his shoes and left them at the door. He walked around, placing down his keys and fishing his epipen from his pocket. I watched him the entire time.

"Who gave you a key?" I asked, sounding slightly offended, but mostly confused.

"Phil did. Like a month ago." He walked around the apartment, picking up a few plates and bringing them back into the kitchen. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." I watched him. He continued to walk around the apartment, picking things up. Putting my shoes in a box and folding a blanket that was on the couch. "You know, if I wanted someone to do that, I'd pay them."

He looked at me and smiled, "I really don't mind."

"I do."

He stopped dead and looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"I- fuck." I hung my head. "I fell like you don't think I can do things on my own. You feel the need to clean up every time you come around."

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to help." He had put me in a place where I was suddenly the asshole. I didn't want to be the asshole. I looked up at him, eyes glassy and lost.

"I don't want your help." I looked back at my laptop, already knowing I was shutting down like some child.

"Kiara..." Ethan sat down and reached for my cheek. He looked at me like I was the world, yet I was scared I couldn't do the same. "You could've told me."

I could've done many things in that moment, but I didn't. I cried and let myself get absorbed by Ethans grip. He ran a hand over my hair, his chin resting in the top of my head.

I think I just hated needing him. I hated needing everyone.

Ethan helped me the rest of the afternoon. He carried my washing to the bathroom, but let me load up the machine and get it going. I made 'lunch' for the both of us, yet you could hardly call it lunch when it was four in the afternoon. It was just a late meal. We sat at the counter to eat, and discussed tour. He knew I wasn't going to Europe, but wondered what I was going to do instead, considering I wouldn't be working. I had plans to meet up with friends. Make a documentary style video filled with us having the time of our lives.

"Are you coming with me to the showing?" I asked. He nodded, and asked about dress code. I wasn't going to wear a dress. I thought it would've been funny if he did, but far out of line. I didn't tell him my thought.

"Semi formal, I guess."