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Chapter eleven

A couple months go by and I sit in the dinning room ready to go. Today my baby boy turns two years old and they're letting me have 4 whole hours with him and mike outside of the hospital! I'm so excited!
We're gonna go fishing and eventually end up at ivey's house to have the final party!
I cannot wait to see my baby boy again! Haven't seen him in about a month.
As I sit in anticipation for them to pick me up A couple nurses come by "hey Carrie!" They says "hey!" I reply in excitement.
"You excited?" One of them asks
"Heck yeah! Can't believe my baby boy is already two years old! It feel like just yesterday I was holding him in the hospital as an infant!
My pour baby is growing up!" I say in excitement.
"They grow up fast. Make every moment count!" She replies with a smile on her face.
"I wish I was able to do that..." I say kinda sad.
Right then mike pulls up and opens the passenger door
"Hey Michael!" I say standing up and waving. I grab my purse along with my jacket and head to the car.
The drive home is practically silent.
Isaiah had fallen asleep in the backseat right before they pulled up.
My sweet baby sound asleep with a peaceful smile on his face, so innocent, so small, so.....beautiful!
"How are you doing care?" Mike says breaking the silence.
"I'm okay, how about you?" I respond.
"We're okay" He says referring to Isaiah and Him.
And the silence comes back.
I sit and watch the road in silence.
I don't know what to say or anything.
"I'm back on my meds..."  I say out loud.
'Did I just say that out loud? What the heck?'
"That's good, how is that going for you?" He responds.
'Holy fuck he actually cares'
"It's going okay, don't feel as numb.
I just....." I say and look at mike.
"You just...?" He says looking over at me for a split second and then back to the road.
"Nothing..." I respond.
The silence comes back.
"We miss you too carebear" He says silently.
Almost as if he didn't want to say it.
I looked up at him and saw the pain in his eyes.
He looks so hurt....
"I'm.....I can't even apologize for everything Michael because I know you don't trust me" I say and look back at Isaiah.
"You two are my life....I'd do anything to take back what I did, I just wish I knew how to make it up to you, I wish I could just....be a better mom" I look back up at mike "and a better wife...." I say staring at him.
He looks over at me and his eyes are in so much pain I almost can't see the beautiful blue.
"I truly am sorry" I whisper.
His eyes go back to the road as we turn into the driveway to our property. We drive up to the fishing hole and he puts it in park.
He takes off his seatbelt and turns to me quickly.
His hands reach up and grab my face, pulling me in for a long kiss.
My heart stops, I miss his kisses, his soft lips, his strong but gentle hands. I miss all of this.
He pulls away from the kiss while biting my bottom lip softly.
I open my eyes slowly and just stare into his pain filled beautiful blue eyes.
The joy that that kiss brought instantly left as I saw a tear slowly fall down his eye.
His presses his four head against mine and closes his eyes, his hands still on my face.
I reach my hands up to his arms and grab on tight.
We both let go and eventually get out after a while of just staring at each other.
I head to the back and wake up Isaiah softly "hi birthday boy! It's time to go fishing baby" he wakes up and stretches and then smiles "mommy!" He says with a sleepy voice. I smile and pick him up.
We all get out and then head to the pond. Mike makes sure to grab the fishing poles and tackle boxes.
And we all begin fishing.

After a while of fishing Isaiah finally catches his first little fish!
"Fishy fishy!" He says!
"Fishy caught a fish huh bud?" Mike says with a smile on his face, but I can still see the pain in his eye. It's almost never gone.

After we finish fishing for an hour we head over to ivey's.
I see all my friends and family and greet them all.
I smile and look around for Isaiah. He's over playing by the balloons.
I quickly grab my phone and take a picture to remember this beautiful baby boy.

I smile at the photo and then stand up smiling at Isaiah as he chases the balloon and continues throwing it in the air.
I look around and realize mama is standing next to me, I give her a hug and smile "hi mama" I say
"hello baby" she responds.
"Have you seen mike?" I ask as we pull away from the hug.
"I think he said he wanted to go outside for a bit, he asked me to keep an eye on Isaiah" she responds.
"Okay, thank you" I respond.
I head for the door, stopped by multiple people on the way.
I eventually reach the door and head outside.
I look around and then head to the side of the house.
I then see him leaning against the wall; hand over face and tears streaming down his face.
'I've ruined his beautiful self.....I feel so bad...god why did I have to do this to him'......