I'll Be Good

9

We are all standing in the training room. Everyone looks tired, has rings under their eyes and yawns every now and then. Four explains to us how to throw a knife. Even Four looks like he could pass out at every minute. When he is done explaining what we have to do we all grab three knives and place ourselves in front of a target. I try to remember how Four was standing, but I'm too tired to really remember. Everyone has already begun. No one can hit the target, so there is no focus on me. I throw the knife and it doesn't even reach far enough.

'Are you fucking kidding me. You pathetic kid,' Eric says. He is right behind me. My mind flashes back to this night. He saved my life and I never felt that safe and it was the moment when I was in his arms. Now he is barking at me and I get a little scared again, but also frustrated. Everyone in this room is bad at this and he is only snapping at me.

I turn around. 'What do you want from me? Did I do something wrong in your eyes? I already did what you asked me to do, what do you want?' I say. Everyone's faces are turned to us now. Eric grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room. He slams the door shut behind him.

'Did you seriously just said that in the presence of all those people?' He snaps. My heart is beating really fast. Eric stands close to me. 'What were you thinking?!'

'I don't get why you always pick on me when there is a whole group of kids you can make fun of.'

'Maybe because I expect more of you.'

It is silent for a couple seconds. My mind is racing.

'What?' I say then. Eric's eyes don't meet mine. He turns his head and looks away. I want to touch him. Every singly muscle in my body is fighting to stop me from doing it. My muscles lose. My fingers slip between his and I let my head fall against his chest. I want more, but I know I can't do that. I just can't. We stand like this for a while. My heart's still going fast.

The door to the training room opens and we break apart quickly. Four comes out. 'Just checking if Eric has killed you yet,' he says.

-

I'm standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Everyone is already asleep. I tried to fall asleep but it didn't workout. I kept thinking about Eric and what he has turned me into. Because of him I killed someone. However, he makes me feel original. I always felt like I was just the lgbtq+  kid and that that was the only thing that divined me. Now I feel like he sort of shaped me to a person even if I don't like this person.
I take my shirt of. There is a reason why I never take my shirt off in the presence of other people. I always was the skinny kid with a bloated belly and I have breast tissue I wished I didn't have. I wear a binder to compress my chest, to make it appear more masculine, but mine is wearing out and I really need a new one. If the binder doesn't work enough I feel really bad. I don't look fragile anymore. I'm still skinny, but now there are muscles defined underneath the skin. I press my fingers onto the lines of the abs that are slowly coming through. I put my shirt back on and leave the bathroom. I can't imagine what my parents will think of me when they see me on visiting day. If they come.

-

We are all standing in the training room. Four writes down our names onto the blackboard and makes pairs. My jaw drops when he steps away. I have to fight Calum. Fuck. We lock eyes and he winks at me. I turn my hands into fists. I'm not going to let him win. Especially now he thinks he is going to win. We are the first ones to fight, so we step into the ring. My hands are shaking so I ball them into fists again.

'begin,' Four says.

Calum immediately throws himself at me. I jump aside. I punch him and he kicks me, hard. I stumble aside and he hits my jaw with his fist. I fall onto the ground and spit out some blood. He kicks me. I scream. I have to win this. I have to. The room is spinning and before he can kick me again I push myself up. It looks like Calum has two heads. I aim on the more clear face and hit him right on the nose. We both scream. He does it from pain and I from aggression. He falls onto the ground, blood dripping from his nose. I feel numb. I kick him hard in his stomach. Again and again.

'OK, that's enough,' Four says and I stumble away. Tori and Ross catch me before I fall. I blow my hair out of my face.

'Congrats,' Ross says. 'You won.' He doesn't sound excited at all.

They let go of me and I walk to the wall en lean against it. I close my eyes for a quick second. Tomorrow is visiting day and the fact that I just did this is not going to make it go by faster.

-

I'm in the dormitory with Ross and Tori. We all have an ice-pack pressed somewhere on our bodies. I take mine from my jaw and press softly on the swollen skin. I cringe.

'Do you think your parents will come tomorrow?' Tori asks, suddenly.

'Maybe, I don't know what's worse,' Ross says. 'Them coming and having to get over the fact that you won't see them daily for the rest of your life again or them not coming and knowing that they won't speak of you at home, because you are a traitor.'

I don't say a word. I have never been the kind of person who likes to talk about their feelings, so i don't say anything. Not even what is bothering me the most of all. My parents can never know what I did. Never. I feel sick again, so I stand up and leave for the bathroom.

I start panicking. My hands are shaking and my mind is racing. My knees get weak and I sit down on a toilet seat. I bite my knuckles to distract myself. It doesn't work. How am i going to do this. Eric pops up in my head. Go away! Tears stream down my cheeks. I feel his chest against the side of my head, his arms tightly around my body. I squeeze myself. Breath in... Breath out.