Lacrimosa

Thrown out of someone's life... again

Phana visited my apartment 3 days after my bank account incident. We really didn't get a chance to meet up, because of his moon training and my job.

Phana arrived as soon as I came back to my apartment, finishing my evening shift in my part time job.

This time he didn't take off my clothes as soon as he came back.

He did something more terrible.

"I need to talk to you about something really important"

I found myself gulping unconsciously, afraid of what I was going to hear. I knew that I would hear this someday. But I was never ready.

"I'm in love with someone else " He said as a matter of fact. There was no regret, no sympathy, no sadness in his voice.

"It was Wayo. He enrolled in science faculty. I don't want to hurt his feelings so... I need to stop this. I want to break off all the ties with you... "

But....what about my feelings Pha...?

I'm the one who's hurt hear.

I wanted to say those words so badly. I wanted to tell him how much I suffered.

But I gulped my words...

Like I always do...

Phana took thick white envelope from the pocket in his coat and put it on the night stand.

Then without even saying goodbye...he left.

I was frozen for a moment. Then I slowly made it to the outside and kept looking at Phana's figure which is moving further away from my apartment.

I leaned on the iron bars of the fence in front of my room.

I loved him...

I really did...

And a very small...barely noticeable part of me wanted, to be loved too....

I also want to be treasured by someone... I also want a someone who treats me like I'm the most precious thing in the world ... I also want to be someone's priority....

But hope was lost at the beginning...

Because up until now, to me, love is something confined to bed room, to any dark corner. To me love is being someone entertainment, replacement or a substitution.

To me love is a place where I was openly ashamed, where there was no respect.

I'm a human too aren't I?

Its true that I got used to be dumped because my lovers found a girlfriend. It's true that I got used to it when my lovers introduced me as their friend.

But it doesn't mean it hurt less...

Because I really loved them. I did my best to be a perfect boyfriend.

But no matter how much I tried, I cannot be a woman. Can I?

I looked at Phana's figure disappearing at parking lot. A tear escaped my eye.

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