TRIGGER WARNING
I walk up the stairs to Ashtons apartment, whilst he's been away I've had the job of feeding his fish and collecting his mail. I unlock the door and place the few letters in my hand onto the kitchen counter and walk into his living room, connecting my phone and pressing shuffle on my spotify playlist titled '5sos' I know I said I wasn't a fan but I've grown to love a fair few of their music. I grab the fish food and drop a small amount of flakes in and watch the fish attack the surface. A drop onto the lounge and open twitter, I scroll through my timeline as I tap my foot to the beat of 'Story of another us' I scroll past a variety of images of Ashton and the boys posing for different magazine shoots and interviews. The song changes and the beat of Jet Black Heart plays, I jump up from my seat dancing around the apartment "I've got a jet black heart" I sing, I stop in front of the window and stare out at the view of the city as the words "Now that I'm broken" play I remember back to my life in Australia. I spent so much of my life there, broken. I was always afraid of what my future would become, a few years ago if you told me I'd be here right now I would've called you insane. Don't get me wrong, I planned to leave that place a very long time ago but I never believed I'd live to the day I made it here. A tear rolls down my cheek as memories flood in. I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and I let out a scream. "Shhhh, it's okay" The comforting sound of Ashtons voice soothes my fear "Ashton!" I say excited. I jump around and wrap my arms around his neck "Hey baby girl" he laughs, placing a soft kiss to my forehead "You're not suppose to be home for another 2 days! What are you doing here?" I ramble on "I missed you too much" He smiles, pecking my lips. "I didn't hear you come in" I say, removing my hands from his neck and turning the music down "Because I'm a ninja" He laughs, posing as if he were a ninja "You're an idiot" I smile at him, he walks over to me and pulls me into him "I'm your idiot" A dorky smile spreads across his lips and I shake my head. The song invisible echos through the speakers and my heart drops, my previous thoughts rush back in and a tear falls from my face "What's wrong" Ashtons quick to question me "Nothing I jus-" I drop my head "You just what?" He wraps his arms around me and I cry into his shoulder "My mind keeps going back to things I want to forget" I cry, Ashtons hand runs up and down my back in an attempt to comfort me "Do you want to sit down and talk about it" He gently asks. I pause and think for a second, most of this stuff I've only ever told Starla but something in me wants me to tell him "I-I think so, yeah" I choke out, he grabs my hand and leads me to his bedroom, he lays on top of the sheets and pats the space beside him, I follow his order and lay into his chest "What's on your mind princess" He gently plays with my hair "I look to my bare wrists, my eyes travel along the scars "I don't know where to start.." I trail off, my mind overwhelmed with thoughts "Okay.. Tell me where it all started. When did everything go.. wrong?" Ashton replies, his fingers tangled in my hair "When it was just me and my brother, before my sister was born. My mum got this job, it was good for awhile. Good pay, but she was never home and when she was home she was fighting with our dad. She went away for the weekend one time, she told us it was for work but when our dad called her another man answered. We found out not long after that, that she had been having an affair for awhile. When dad asked her for a divorce she refused.. Their still married.." My mind begins to wander back to that time "My dad became miserable and turned to Alcohol, he hasn't been the same since. And my mother... well, she moved her new man into our home. Messed up I know. He was an addict, and when he was on a high.. he was abusive. My brother always tried to protect me, but he wasn't always around. I remember one night it got so bad that I had to go to hospital.. He had broken one of my ribs and snapped my wrist" I hold my wrist in my hand, tears stinging at my eyes "My dad was too depressed to do anything about it. He spent majority of the time hidden away, bottle in hand" Ashtons hands run down to my arms and he laces our fingers together "That's.." I look to him, his eyes glazed over. I nod my head and continue "My first boyfriend was a lot older than me. Like 4 years older. I was just starting high school and he was on his final years, I thought it was cool ya know? Everyone was dating and dating people older than them. He invited me to a party one night" I choke on my words as that night replays in my head "He got really drunk.. and asked me to go upstairs with him to rest.." My heart sinks as I flashback
"Britney, come on" He slurs out, dragging me up the stairs. I follow his words and find myself in his bedroom. "Lay down with me" He motions to the spot on his bed. I smile and do as told. He attaches his dry lips to my soft ones and forces me onto my back. I try to pull away "What are you doing" He ignores and continues to kiss me. His lips make their way down my body. He pushes my shirt up over my bra and pushes off my shorts "Sto- Stop, what are you doing" I try to move but my body is paralyzed with fear. He removes his jeans and pushes my pink underwear down to my ankles. Tears stream down my face as a sharp pain tears between my thighs, the pressure of his body presses down on me and I cry out in pain. He moans and groans as he forces himself in and out of me. My cries turn to silent whimpers and my body falls numb. After 10 minutes that felt like forever, he removed himself from me and rolled over. Passing out. I lay there and cry for hours before stumbling out of the party and walking home
"Britney" Ashton brings me back from my flashback "He raped me" My eyes fall to my fingers as more tears fall from my eyes. Ashton places his hand on my shoulder and I flinch. His hand quickly pulls back and drops to his side "I'm sorry" He says, I push my fingers underneath his chin so he looks to me "It's not your fault" I say "I couldn't tell anyone after that night, it took me awhile to get up the courage to tell Starla" I look out the window "I started ditching school after that, I couldn't face him. It was after that that my self harm got worse. I was already bad but that night just.. it fucked me up. It got to the point where I was constantly in hospital getting stitches or a tube stuck down my throat to pump out the pills I had taken in attempt to take my life. When I did eventually go back to school rumours spread. My ex had told people that I got really drunk and slept with him. I was constantly being called a slut and accused of these things. I obviously couldn't tell them what really happened.. so I let it spread. Girls would shove notes into my bag telling me to kill myself, I'd get pushed around and beaten up in the hallways. One guy gave me a razor blade and told me to slit my wrists.." I run my finger over a scar the size of a pen that runs down my wrist "I tried" I pause "The threats and bullying never stopped, It was a constant battle. Most people can escape that kind of treatment when they went home but I couldn't.. It followed me everywhere. When I was 16, I started stealing my dads liquor. I'd lock myself in my room and drink the pain away. My brother would often find my sprawled along the floor in puddles of my own vomit. He was my hero a lot of the time. If he wasn't around all those times I wouldn't be sitting here. When Starla left it felt like the universe wanted me gone. I was so lost for so long, I turned to my mother. She knew it was bad and she hated that she couldn't do anything about it. I explained to her that I couldn't stick around anymore. That's when I decided it was time to leave. The plan was to run away, I was going to pack my things and run. I didn't know where but anywhere was better then there. My brother figured my plans out and went to my mum. He knew Starla was here, so he told my mum that I needed to go. My mum brought the plane ticket and the apartment. I didn't get to say goodbye to her though" I trail off "But now I'm here. With you, and I've never felt so safe" He looks to me, a sad smiles swipes across his tear stained face. He wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest and squeezing me tightly "I'm so glad you're alive" He whispers, I smile my eyes wander to his. I've never found it easy to tell people how I felt, especially when it was an intense feeling but as I looked into his soft hazel eyes, in that moment I knew I could tell him anything. I go to open my mouth when his lips speak the words I wanted to sing "I love you"
