It's been 2 weeks since Starla died, todays her funeral. Her parents wanted to bury her back home in Sydney, but I knew she wouldn't want that. So here we are, in LA about to say goodbye to my best friend. I stare at my reflection, my mid length black dress clings to my skin, it's sleeves covering the scars, some fresh that line my tiny wrists. a tear rolls down my cheek as I look down at the paper in my hands. Her parents asked me to write a eulogy, whether I'll be able to read it aloud. I don't know. Ashton appears in the door frame, signaling that it's time to go and my heart falls to my stomach.
We arrive at the service, a few people are already here. I spot her Mum standing alone near her car and make my way over to her. I give her a soft smile and she wraps her arms around me and I return the gesture "She loved you so much you know" I nod, tears already welling up in my eyes. Luke appears beside me and I send him a sad smile "Uhm Luke this is Stars mum" I say, looking at his broken expression. "Hi honey, It's nice to finally meet you. I just wish the circumstances were better" He nods and holds out a hand "Yeah, you too" He softy smiles. "I think we're starting" his voice cracking, I nod and head towards the building where the service is being held. I walk inside and see photos of Starla hung around the place. A tear rolls down my cheek when I see one from when we were young, maybe 5-6 playing in the sand at the beach near my house back in Sydney. I take a seat beside Luke and Ashton as Starlas mum begins to speak "Hi, I only know a few of you but for those who don't know me I'm Starlas mother. My daughter had it quite rough growing up, life didn't treat her well. Despite her struggles she never failed to spread kindness to the people she loved. My daughter had a broken soul, Those of you who knew her well know that. She wasn't given a great deal in the draw of life but she always had people by her side. She knew that" Her mother speaks, looking to me "Her time here on earth was spent spreading love and doing the things she loved with the people she loved. We're not here to be sad over her death, but to celebrate her life. On my flight here I put together a small slideshow of images and videos to remember her" She steps aside and presses play on a remote, the song 'Oblivion' by Bastille rings through the speakers as photos appear on the screen. A photo from the first time I ended up in hospital appears on the screen, Starlas face is pressed up against mine smiles on both our faces, followed by a video of the 2 of us at the beach. From the day we got the necklaces. Tears begin to stream down my face as more images of the 2 of us appear on the screen. Soon the slide show ends and Starlas mum calls my name to come up and speak. I pause for a second, wiping my tear stained face before slowly walking to the front of the room. I look into the crowd and my eyes fall on a photo of Starla, a smile plastered on her face. A camera in hand. I take a deep breath and open the folded piece of paper in my hands.
"For those of you who don't know me I'm Britney, Me and Starla go wayyyyy back. We've been friends for as long as I can remember. For most of my life she was my rock, she was always there no matter what time it was or where in the world she was. She was always there. When we were younger we would plan our future, where we'd live, the colour we'd paint living rooms, what wedding dress we'd wear. We planned it all" I choke on my words, I look around the room. My eyes fall on a crying Luke "When I landed myself in hospital for the first time, She made herself a bed out of those shitty hospital blankets beside me and slept there. She didn't leave, not once. Ever since we met we were inseparable. I mean, we both moved across the damn planet" I wipe the tears that are falling from my eyes "I remember the nights when my parents would be arguing, She'd sneak out and climb through my window to make sure I was okay and when things were really bad. We'd take our bedding to the beach and sleep on the sand. The darkest of nights were always lit with a Star" I close my eyes and take a deep breath "There has been so many times where I've wanted to give up on myself but not once did she ever give up on me. We always used to tell eachother that there was no future without each other, so what do I do now Starla?" I break down, holding my sleeve to my mouth to cover my cries. I take a second and speak again "Starla, I lived a life with you for 18 years. I don't know how to do this without you. If I'm being honest, I don't want to do this without you. Everytime I close my eyes I see you. I've tried to drown you out, I thought maybe if I could erase you from my mind I'd feel better but I just feel empty. I feel so fucking empty. I'll never forgive myself for leaving your side that night, I can't help but think that you might still be here if I had of just fucking stayed. I'm sorry. Starla was such a beautiful soul, her kindness was mistaken by everybody. Even though she wanted so badly to give up on herself she'd never give up on you. I don't think she ever realised just how amazing she was. She was way more than just my best friend, she was my hope. You fought your fight Star, and I pray that wherever you are now you've been set free. While your up there dancing through the clouds I hope that the burden you've carried on your shoulders is lifted. There is so much more I wish I could say, but I'll leave you all today with a poem:
I wish I could give you more years, I wish I could've erased all your tears. I wanted so bad to take all your pain away, I wanted to give you sunshine in the rain. You were my light in the shadow, the rose in my meadow. I hear your voice in the songs on my radio and I see you in the afterglow. Although today we lay your soul to rest, we send you off and pray your blessed. and tonight as we look to the sky, I pray you know you are by far my favourite Star" I close my eyes and let the tears fall, I wobble down the few steps and fall into Ashtons open arms. Completely falling to pieces. Ashton doesn't say a word, he just lets me cry in his arms
After the service I find Starlas mum again, "That was beautiful" She gives me a sad smile referring to my speech "I wanted to say so much more, I just couldn't" Tears glaze over my eyes for the hundredth time. Ashton stands beside me, and Luke beside him. The man who runs the place walks towards us holding an urn "Thank you" Starlas mum says, holding the object in her hands "What are you going to do with it?" Luke asks, his eyes glued to the urn. "Take it home, sit it in her room. Where she belongs" She softly smiles "No" I say, not looking at her "Excuse me?" She says "Starla hated it there. She came here to get away, you can't just throw her back" I shake my head "Do you have a better idea?" She asks, raising her brow at me. I pause for a moment and think. I look to Ashton "Is there a beach around here?" I ask, her mums face softens and a small smile appears on her lips "Yeah, not far why?" I look back to her mum, she holds out the urn for me "Take her home" She whispers. I nod my head, a tear rolling down my cheek. I give her a hug and she gets in a car. "We're going to the beach" I say to the boys, they nod and we leave
I walk out over the sand, feeling to cool water wash over my feet "Why here?" Luke asks, I turn to him "We lived on the beach. Whenever we needed to escape home we went to the beach. Whenever one of us would run away, you'd find us by the water. It was our special place" I look out over the water "We always saw the beach as a way out. Like the ocean connects all the countries in the world. We once had this idea to build a life boat and travel across the ocean. We didn't do exactly that, but we did fly across it to get here" I smile as I watch the waves crash over each other. I walk deeper into the water and open the jar "You're home" I whisper through tears, pouring the ashes of once was her body into the ocean "You're free" I smile watching as her remains disappear into the crystal blue water "Goodbye Starla"
