amity // phan

twenty-three.

-dan-

When I got home, it started with the dried daisies.

Phil had given them to me months ago, back before we were anything.

I stood quietly for a moment, the hurt in my chest filling the whole room, and then I pulled the daisies down from the wall. They were fragile in my hands, soft and trusting. Then I ripped them apart, and let the crushed petals flutter from my fingers like snow.

I played our fight over and over in my head. Over and over and over.

I played over all the things I could have said to him, all the things I could have done differently.

And then it was the roses hanging above my window, ripped to shreds, crushed beneath my hungry aching fingers. And then it was the lilacs I'd framed, and then it was the sunflowers, and then it was more daisies. I didn't stop until all of the stupid flowers were destroyed because what was the point of flowers now? What was the point of colours or songs or the sky, what was the point of anything?

Because Phil didn't want anything more to do with me.

Because I was just a stupid kid who couldn't fix things.

I sat on the ground, surrounded by broken glass and dead flowers.

Did you think about me at all?

Couldn't stop.

And then I was remembering the way he kissed me, the way his hungry red lips found mine, the way his hands were clinging to me until he used them to push me away.

And then I was remembering the way I watched him shake, watched his hands tremble. There were sparks in the air, but they were being drawn towards him. The explosion was happening on the inside, and the rest of the world was collapsing in on him.

I love you.

You should really go.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I felt a gaping hole inside of me, waiting, pulling, clawing, tugging, eating at me. I knew it wouldn't stop until there was nothing left of me, but I couldn't fight it because how the hell do you fight a feeling in your chest?

I wanted it to be morning again, I wanted to get there without sleeping.

I wanted all of the noise to stop I wanted it to be quiet again I wanted him to hold me and say my name like it was some precious word I wanted him to be safe and okay I wanted to be stupid and happy and in love again.

- - -

an///

Fuck yeah whos on a role im on a role

Sorry about this strange and short and dialogue-free chapter, I promise something big will be coming soon. also sorry about how depressing this book is right now lol

Lmk your thoughts, your predictions, your hopes, your fears, your feelings

ily, see you very soon.