INT. KINGSMEN BRIEFING ROOM
COLIN and MARK are called into a BRIEFING with MICHAEL CAINE.
MICHAEL CAINE
I
’m the head of the Kingsmen, code name “Arthur”, as we are all named after the Knights of the Round-
(looks at long, straight table)
Bloody hell, would it have been too much to make this table round? Seriously, that seems like a pretty basic reference to incorporate here.
MARK STRONG
S
o Jack died while investigating some kind of biological weapon which induces animalistic rage in humans, kind of like a version of the 28 Days Later virus where the zombies actually attack each other. Or in other words, a much more logical version of the 28 Days Later virus.
MICHAEL CAINE
J
ack’s last lead was kidnapped environmental scientist Mark Hamill, who has turned up seemingly not kidnapped at all. Colin, go ask him what’s going on.
INT. UNIVERSITY
COLIN goes and confronts MARK HAMILL.
MARK HAMILL
(
cartoon voice)
Well hello there! Sorry about the silly accent, but I’ve been exclusively doing voiceovers for so long I’ve honestly forgotten how to sound like a human.
COLIN FIRTH
T
ell me why you’re not kidnapped anymore.
MARK HAMILL
W
hy certainly, what happened was AHHH, MY HEAD IS OVERHEATING! OH WELL, AT LEAST I JUST BARELY MANAGED A SINGLE HIT FILM BETWEEN RETURN OF THE JEDI AND THE FORCE AWAKENSAAAAAAHHHHHH
His HEAD EXPLODES, showering COLIN with some kind of WEIRD GUNK!
COLIN FIRTH
A
RGH! Some kind of chemical... putting me into a coma... almost as though the rest of the plot has to be stalled... until Taron has finished... his... traiiiiuhh...
(slips into coma)
EXT. THE SKY
The six remaining CANDIDATES go SKYDIVING.
MARK STRONG
(
over radio)
Anybody who fails to come in under the radar and land within the ten-foot target will immediately fail out of the entire program, because I guess the Kingsmen consider sub-par skydiving skills more inexcusible than allowing your fellow candidates to drown. And while you’re falling, here’s a fun fact: one of your parachutes is a fake. Enjoy!
TARON EGERTON
A
h shit. Okay, this is fine, logically we just wait until we’re below the radar and then everyone except Sophie and me open their chutes immediately. The one whose chute doesn’t open can pair up with me; or if all of you are fine, it must be one of us two, and we’ll have plenty of time to safely make it down together.
EDWARD HOLCROFT
O
R we could waste precious time having all six of us take turns opening our chutes, one at a time, with stupidly long pauses in between each one.
TARON EGERTON
M
oronic yet hair-raising, I like it!
They ALL SURVIVE, but only TARON, SOPHIE and EDWARD make it through to the NEXT CHALLENGE.
TARON EGERTON
S
ince everybody else’s chutes opened, mine must have been the dud! What the hell, Mark? Why’d you pick me? And don’t say the chutes were randomly assigned, because that’s the obvious answer and I’d look like an idiot!
In response to this, MARK pulls TARON’S CHUTE and demonstrates it WORKED THE WHOLE TIME.
MARK STRONG
S
ee, it was all a bluff! You were never in danger at all.
(pause)
Wait, earlier we faked that drowning to make you all believe these tests were a hundred per cent real and dangerous. Going out of my way to reveal a later test as a fakeout was kind of a dumb move then, huh?
SOPHIE COOKSON
O
h well, we made it through. Even me, with my fear of heights. Let’s just hope the next challenge isn’t as unfairly stacked against me.
MARK STRONG
Y
our next challenge is to seduce a beautiful woman.
SOPHIE COOKSON
O
h for FUCK’S SAKE.
They all go to a NIGHTCLUB to try and sleep with some HOT CHICK, but their DRINKS are DRUGGED and they all BLACK OUT. TARON wakes up tied to some TRAIN TRACKS, about to be RUN OVER.
EVIL-LOOKING DUDE
I
’ll cut you free if you tell me about the Kingsmen.
TARON EGERTON
S
o this is a loyalty test, huh? Seeing if I'll turn on the Kingsmen under pressure?
EVIL-LOOKING DUDE
A
ctually it's probably more an intelligence test. I mean come on, how was I meant to guarantee you'd come round before the train arrives? How much useful intel could you even give me in the next six seconds? Have I never heard of good old-fashioned torture? Basically, if you found this whole scenario plausible, you're way too dumb to be any use to us.
TARON and SOPHIE pass the TEST, but EDWARD is eliminated.
