INT. KINGSMEN BRIEFING ROOM
Having come round from his COMA, COLIN is in another BRIEFING.
MARK STRONG
W
e tracked the radio signal that set off Hamill’s head explosion to tech billionaire Samuel L. Jackson. Here’s him on the news earlier today:
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
(
on TV)
I’m happy to announthe that I’ll be giving away billionth of free THIM cardth which will allow everyone to uthe my communicationth network for free from now until the end of time! Thith ith far too good to be true and there’th no way for me to profit off it, everybody in the world jutht figured out that I’m up to thomething.
COLIN adopts a fake identity and goes and has a meeting with SAMUEL.
COLIN FIRTH
S
o you’re a dorky computer geek who can’t stomach the sight of blood. So why the hell are you being played by one of the coolest, most devastatingly masculine actors who ever lived?
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
E
h, they thought they could cover all that up with a thilly hat and a thpeech impediment.
COLIN FIRTH
I
see. By the by, I happen to know a cracking good s-s-speech th-therapist.
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
H
ey, how about we thuddenly change the topic to thpy movieth, apropos of nothing?
COLIN FIRTH
S
o I take it that’s your way of straight-up telling me that you’ve sussed me out. Thus putting me on my guard, so you won’t be able to just track me back to base and learn all about the people I work for.
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
U
h, yeah. Tell you what, if you’ll jutht be an idiot for me and not figure out I’ve bugged you, later on I’ll be equally dumb and put on an equally bugged hat when you tell me to.
COLIN FIRTH
S
ounds like a deal!
INT. MICHAEL CAINE’S OFFICE
TARON is sent in to see MICHAEL.
MICHAEL CAINE
N
ow comes the last test. At the beginning of your training we gave you a small dog to look after. Now to prove yourself, you have to kill it.
TARON EGERTON
H
oly shit, you’re using the same training techniques as fucking Astapor slavers? Once again, are you SURE you’re the good guys?
TARON doesn’t shoot the DOG, and fails out of the KINGSMEN.
COLIN FIRTH
Y
ou idiot, Taron, that was just a test! The gun was really full of blanks!
TARON EGERTON
S
o it was all a bluff? Like how the parachute thing was a bluff? And the bit with the train was a bluff? Wow, I need to work on my pattern recognition skills.
COLIN FIRTH
I
’m so disappointed that you could be so stupid! Now if you’ll excuse me, the bad guy in our biological weapons case has just mentioned that he’s planning some kind of test at an American church tomorrow, so I have to go walk straight into the church when the test is scheduled and sit down.
TARON EGERTON
R
emember, this bad guy has seen your face, so when you head in there be sure to wear no kind of disguise whatsoever.
INT. THE CHURCH OF BIGOTOLOGY
COLIN heads into a CHURCH full of ANGRY FUNDAMENTALIST ASSHOLES.
PREACHER
S
AME-SEX MARRIAGE CAUSES HURRICANES!! TAXES ARE A SIDE EFFECT OF EVOLUTIONARY SCIENCE!!! JEWS AND ATHEISTS AND ETC. ETC.!!!!
COLIN FIRTH
A
lrighty then, clearly this movie is gearing up to gruesomely kill all these people, I’m getting the fuck out of here.
But as he goes to LEAVE all the PHONES in the room start emitting a weird NOISE that causes EVERYBODY including HIM to start VIOLENTLY MURDERING EACH OTHER.
COLIN FIRTH
(
shoots heads)
Hang on, earlier when Jack got chopped in half, he-
(beats dude to death with empty gun)
-fell neatly into two pieces, with no blood or guts, like-
(snaps woman’s neck)
-a fucking cartoon, and when-
(grenade)
-Hamill’s head exploded I was showered with-
(stained-glass shiv)
-that coma juice but no blood or brains, so-
(punches straight through guy’s rib cage)
-why the hell were we being so obnoxiously PG-13 before, if later-
(clubs man with his own torn-off leg)
-we were going to go full Hobo With a Shotgun?
(rips out preacher’s lungs)
Finally COLIN is the ONLY ONE LEFT ALIVE. He then strolls STRAIGHT OUT THE FRONT DOOR where SAMUEL is waiting for him, because it’s a little late now to stop making dumb decisions.
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
A
th you can thee, I can make any phone with one of my free THIM cardth in it give off an audio thignal which triggerth homithidal rage in any human being who hearth it.
COLIN FIRTH
C
all me crazy, but if you’re testing a device to see if it can make people homicidally angry, I wouldn’t think the ideal location would an angry church of bile-spewing rageoholics in the middle of their Two Minutes Hate.
THAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKTHON
I
thuppothe you’re ekthpecting me to thtand here telling you my evil planth?
COLIN FIRTH
E
r, isn’t that exactly what you were just-
(shot in head)
Blimey, in a coma for part of the second act, dead for the third. Not exactly working overtime for that top billing, am I?
(dies)
