Silent Commotion

Dear you

I was drifting between two people, a saviour and a warrior, battling my heart to bleed once again for those scattered to dust in moments never to be same again.Will it ever be the same? I knew a little too much, and suddenly, it set me back- the raw emotion of my heartbreak had eclipsed, piling up so deep, the unsteady columns withered at the arrival of a new family member.
As the sun set, so did the spiral of my previous chapters, and as it rose, so did the will of my future script.
It wasn't too hard to choose. Be a saviour or be a warrior, the truth lied in the sacred lines of my palm. Was I strong enough to not only handle a figure, falling and losing, or was I going to let the figure lure me and let me lose to myself, in the eyes of those who held my heart and still not feel right? Had I learned nothing? I wasn't here for me only, I was here for them. Maybe the curtains had closed, the show was over, but He was watching. He was my audience, and my dear ones, my companions- they were there too.Sometimes I had to lose. To myself, to everyone because somewhere, tumbling between the self claiming fragment of my soul and the selfless pigment that jostled around, I was a warrior and the one who would fight for you even when you lost yours, even when your fight seemed like nothing, but an endless flight for your pain in exchange for my care.
Yet here it was again. "You do more than enough".It was my calling, my favourite calling, the one who could set me free from the prison I had built for myself and at the same time, it held me in control of the limitations of my actions glancing at the figure who bounded me with a lie I wanted to eat up and forget, and a truth I wanted to dissolve into completely. The truth could be told over on repeat, and the lie used to base foundations; however, it felt like the bricks trembling under that fluctuating foundation, the cement slipping through every now and then like my faith.I was losing control, I was losing a battle I hadn't started yet, I was losing to 'save yourself' when I knew I could save you too. Did it make me selfish to save only myself because it felt so wrong and so right to me.This was my ugly truth, I wanted to be more than just a survivor, I wanted to be your warrior.If it meant questioning myself, being called out foolish for caring about you in a way that expected nothing, but His acceptance, although I was just human.This was responsibility, something if I continued my human self would have to lose its sleep for yours.Is it right? Why does it revoke my selfishness and selflessness, together when they're struggling to bind.I am threading on thin water, I will drown one day, but knowing I saved you first.
So help me.I am here to give you my all. All I can. Trust me, I'm trying, I'm trying to not expect anything from you, not let my bad side slide in, I'm trying to save you to save me from myself. I have a lot to give, a lot to lose- I just hope I never run out. I'm just a human like you, I hope your harshness doesn't make my heart bleed. I was lost in pieces of me I didn't know existed.