Love and Loss

Chapter 7

The ride home was silent.
No one spoke a single word.
The silence was, honestly scary. I could tell mom was pissed. Usually for car rides it was quiet, but not this quiet.

I would sneak quick glances at mom once and awhile. She had a scowl on her face and her eyes just screamed hatred and anger in them.

I was as good as dead.

Mom drove faster than usual. She was rushing to get home.
And sadly enough, we were driving into the driveway.
I was beyond scared, I was terrified for what was going to happen.

The car turned off and I slowly got out of the car, terrified for my life at this point. Mom got out of the car and in a matter of seconds she grabed my arm and shoved me into the house.

Once the front door was closed she turned around to look at me. Her eyes once again where filled with hatred and anger and disgust even.

SLAP

My head was turned sideways from the force of the slap. I could already feel the burn and throbbing from my cheek. My eyes started filling with tears but I refused to let them fall.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?! You embarrassed me in front of all those people! Are you fucking happy?! You are such a fucking disapointment! No wonder why your parents left you! You are such a fucking failure! I should have never adopted you!" Mom screamed at me.

Hearing her way those word about my parents just about broke me. I never knew who my parents were. The only thing I knew is that they are still alive, they just didn't want me, my mom got pregnant with me but didn't want me after so she gave me away, same with my dad.

They didn't want me.

No one wants me. And I was in the adoption program and had many foster parents to know well enough that no one wants me.

When I first got adopted by Janice I was actually excited for the first time in a while. I though maybe I would finally have a loving, caring family. The one thing that I always wanted. To have at least someone to love me and care for me. Someone who would try to protect me, someone who I could watch tv with and eat and play games with and have someone look out for me. Someone who could hold me while I have my mental breakdowns and have nightmares that leave me in tears. Someone just to give me affection and hugs.
Someone who would read me my favorite fairy tails before bed when I was younger, and when I grow up I would start saying that I was to old for them to do that. Someone who would keep me oblivious to the wrong of the world for at least a little bit longer.

I just wanted someone who would care.

But luck is just never on my side.

It's like god is throwing things at me to break me down and just to rebuild me back up, only to break me down again.

When I met Janice she was nice at first. She was everything I wanted to have. She would kiss me on the head, hug me, after school every Friday we would go out to eat at a small little diner just down the road.
She was engaged to guy who she dated all through high school. She loved him. It showed whenever she was with him. She would have the biggest smile on her face that would light up the whole room. She wanted to have a family with him. She told me if she had any kids she wanted me to be there protector.

But one day she went to his house to suprise him with a new phone after he broke his last one, she found him in bed with another girl.
When she found out he was cheating on her she was crazy, she would drink her life away. She would just ignore me at first. I wanted to help her heal. I would go into her room when she was in there crying and I would try to hold her and she would hug me back, crying into my shoulder.

Then after a while she started hanging out with the wrong people. She met a guy named Mark, who showed her all the wrong things. She started to act different. Whenever Mark was at the house he would act like a asshole. He was a pervert aswell.
When mom wouldn't look he would try to touch me.

But mom saw it once. She thought it was me trying to steal him from her. I was only 13 at the time. She screamed at me, telling me that he was finally making her happy again and that I was ruining it for her.

That was also the first time she slaped me.

A month later she broke up with Mark, saying he was having sex with all kind of women behind her back.
She told me things that no 13 year old should hear. Now Janice dated guys sometimes just for sex. Now Janice will take out her stress on me.
I should hate her. Be disgusted by her.

But I'm not.

I still love her like a mom even though she's not one. Part of me knows that she's just hurt, she doesn't know what to do anymore. I know that there is still some of the old Janice left in her. The old Janice who would make anyone happy just by saying some old joke that isn't funny.

I know that there is some of that Janice still in there. Sometimes she will show me affection even though it's not much. I know she's just hurting inside, she wants to be happy but she doesn't know how to be happy anymore.

I don't care that she keeps hurting me, I want to help her. And I know she wants help, just doesn't know how to say it.
That's why everything she says to me that's supossed to hurt me and break me, I just tear it down. Because I know she is just hurting and doesn't mean any of it.

If she does something to hurt me, she always apologises. She doesn't say it, but she shows it, by trying to make it up to me the next morning or night. Sometimes by making breakfast or dinner even though she never really learned how to cook, she trys.
I have to be strong for her.

That's all that matters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She sent me to my room after my 'lesson'. I changed into pajamas that consisted of sweatpants and a sweater.
Falling asleep waiting for Sunday to come.

Waking up to next day I walk out of my room to the bathroom. I get washed up and go back to my room to change into some jeans and a wide white t-shirt and some sneakers I start heading to the kitchen to start breakfast.

I enter the kitchen to see mom. She was trying to open a package of bacon with scrambled eggs that looked like she didnt add milk to on the stove that were starting to burn into a darker mush.

I watched as she gave up on the package of bacon and going back to the scrambled eggs, seeing that they were burning and mumbled 'shit!'.

She quickly dumped the eggs in the trash when she noticed me standing there watching her fail.

"Well don't just stand there! Help me!" She said desperately.

I walk over to the counter were the package of bacon is and opened it up with ease. I grabed a pan and sprayed it with cooking spray before putting bacon in the pan.
I ended up making the bacon while showing mom how to make scramled eggs and when they were done cooking she mumbled a 'thanks' she had almost a pout on her face that make me slightly giggle at. She noticed me giggle and gave me a glare. But when I looked at her out of the corner of my eye I could see she had a small smile on her face.

Trying to make breakfast was her way of apologizing.

It's not much but it's the thought that counts.

And thats all that matters.