Randomness

I'm okay, just needed to vent through bad poetry again again again*

We talked the other day
And that song came on the tv
You know, the one we used to play
And call ours?

In the dark
When the thoughts make their mark
And I'm lonelier than ever
I miss what we had and our endeavour
I want my heart to stop beating
So I can go back to the moment
And make it last forever

I sleep too much
Even then I feel tired
I used to wonder: what's all the fuss?
Then I found you and I just knew

I wonder if I have a purpose
One that doesn't involve despair
But each night my motivation gets less
And I wonder if this is really my home

In the dark
When the thoughts make their mark
And I'm lonelier than ever
I miss what we had and our endeavour
I want my heart to stop beating
So I can go back to the moment
And make it last forever

Under the stars that illuminate
I want to stay there and just forget
But each time we pass that date
I can't forget. I can never forget.

There's a rain cloud constantly over my head
It's pouring and I hear thunder
It is continuously filling me with dread
I need an umbrella

[Now I don't miss us
Or the late calls
Rambling about you at school
No, I don't miss... that
I miss the happiness
The warm blanket you wrapped around me
When I felt cold and lonely
I miss the happiness
Although, having someone like you
Would be a bit of a plus
It's never going to be a must
I just want to smile again]

[I told you about how I felt yesterday
(Or was it the day before? I've lost track)
You said it was okay
As long as I wasn't suicidal
I could get through this and didn't need help
As long as I didn't make a move to end it
I said I wasn't
I thought about it sometimes
And maybe hoped and wished sometimes
But I'd never do that
There's too many people to hurt
I've got a poem written out that explains
And it says goodbye for when I can't take the pain
And I'm not going to try and kill myself
But I can't find it in me to delete it
Does that make me suicidal?]

I feel lonely even with friends
I feel suffocated even with oxygen
I really want this to end
But I'm not depressed

I eat and I sleep
I can force myself to work
I can wake up in the mornings from a dream
But I would just rather not

I haven't lost enthusiasm in writing
YouTube is my only hope
I have a good family and I'm trying
I just want it to be easier

In the dark
When the thoughts make their mark
And I'm lonelier than ever
I miss what we had and our endeavour
I want my heart to stop beating
So I can go back to the moment
And make it last forever

Do you get me?
Does that make sense?
Those are the words that forever choke me
I can't think of a time that they didn't

So many words to say
So many racing thoughts
I'm quiet and I'll stay that way
Because my mouth is taped shut

I put on this facade
I give out advice with a smile
But I'm a hypocrite at heart
I would rather everyone else be happy than me

I don't need help
Nor am I depressed
My life isn't hell
I'm just tired of... being tired

Why do I feel this way? I've had a good day- I mean, I finished playing The Last Guardian and started to play Night In The Woods for the first time which is awesome. My mum also cooked my favourite meal for dinner. All I've done today is continuously play video games so why do I feel this way now?

And I promise I'm fine. I tell that to people who ask online all the time. Because it's true. I'm feeling seriously done but I'm scraping by and I'm fine. You don't need to comment things like "I'm here if you want to talk" because there's nothing to talk about. Honestly. This poem basically says the stuff I'm sad about.

I don't need to talk. I'm sorry if I worry you. I'll be okay.