𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐌𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝┊✓

cento e trinta e sete

7:36 am
•
every time i look at you,
every time our eyes meet,
i feel my heart shattering
more than it has already been shattered.
a melancholic frown
becomes etched on my face
and i'm swirled into another universe;
a nostalgic cosmos, if you will.
i'm taken back to
the times we first met,
when we were strangers
just knowing a little too much
about each other.
i am reminded
of all the times
we've spent together
and you mended my broken pieces,
helping me to let go.
but just as quickly as the
nostalgia hit,
it simmers away even quicker and
i'm snapped back to reality.
you're standing right in front of me,
we're close in proximity,
too close for my liking
and you give me
that killer smile,
the very same one
that set me up for this
torturous heartbreak
in the first place.
i'm in a bit of a daze,
staring at your
perfectly sculpted face,
memorising every dent, every contour
for it could be my last time.
then again,
i might never know
when my last time to admire you is
because the concept of time
doesn't exist when we're together.
once again,
i become so lost in my thoughts,
i barely catch onto your words,
"are you okay?"
you ask
and my eyes tear up,
but i blink them away
before you could realise.
i can't hurt you
- i just can't -
and say "no,"
in the quivering tone
that is just threatening
to escape my lips.
i know you'd feel
wholly and utterly
terrible,
that you might just cry yourself.
and i can't do that you;
i'd do everything
to take away your hurt
and make it mine.
so i say, "yes,"
with a tight-lipped smile
and push my
maroon square framed spectacles
up the bridge of my nose.
on the outside,
i am the calm before
the chaos of the storm stirring
inside of me.
slowly,
i slip into my façade -
a seemingly bright smile
with bubbly laughter escaping my lips.
but goddamnit,
how you knew me well enough
to know it wasn't real,
to know the smile didn't reach my eyes
like before.
so before this becomes
a round of 21 questions
and i break down in front of you,
i mutter a 'goodbye.'
and with a wish to
hide the hurt i'm feeling,
i turn on my heels,
inadvertently hurting you.

n° 137