Hard to Speak || l.h.

Nine

            The taxi smells of feet and lost hope. I wonder if my hope would soon become a lost one.

            Poetically, it was raining. Even more poetically, I watch the drops slide down the window, thinking of what exactly I would do when I got to the hospital.

            The cab comes to a rolling stop in front of the hospital. I hand the cab driver the money, and he pulls away, leaving me to stand in the rain. I don't pull my hood up. The rain obscures my tears.

            Somehow I make it up the waiting room, where Mr. and Mrs. Chambers were sitting. Mrs. Chambers gets up and rushes over to hug me when she sees me. "Oh Luke!" she cries. Mr. Chambers nods to me, but his face seems to be blank, empty.

            "Where is she?" is what I had decided to ask on the way up. I rehearsed saying it on the elevator ride up.

            "They won't let us see her," Mrs. Chambers sniffs and goes back under the arm of her husband. My hands form fists at my sides.

            "What happened?" the second thing I had rehearsed.

            "We don't know, all they said was she's lucky she didn't drown," Mr. Chambers replies, and I recognize his tone. He's been rehearsing his words as well.

            But that's all I had rehearsed. I didn't have anything left to say. I should be seeing her now, seeing that she's okay. Hearing her laugh. That’s what I prepared for. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but no sound comes out. "Why?" the only word I could form.

            "We're going down to the cafeteria to get something to eat. You should come with us, Luke," Mr. Chambers says, and his wife nods. I shake my head as a response. "Come get us if you need anything."

            And they leave. I'm still standing, miraculously, so I walk over to the desk.

            "I'd like to see Raine Chambers," I say, my voice unsteady. The lady in scrubs gives me the same plastic smile she probably gives every unstable family member that makes their way to her desk.

            "I'm sorry," her cheery voice gives me a headache. "Miss. Chambers isn't having visitors right now."

            "I don't care," I say, trying to break past her sealed demeanor, trying to get some sort of emotion out of her. Didn't she see how desperate I was? "I want to see her."

            "I'm sorry sir," her eyes flick back to her computer, unwavering. I want to punch her.

            I go and sit. That's all I can do. Sit. Raine is dying and I am sitting.

- - -

i put the video of the song i listened to for this chapter on the side