It's like this empty space. A space that can't be filled. Void of any happiness. Void of what once was. It's this lingering feeling.
Unease. Unsettled. Dysphoric.
It's the pitter patter of rain drops against my window that reminds me, yes, you, are alone.
It's the shuffling of my blanket and the sunrise that fills my window that reminds me I don't want to wake up anymore.
It's the noise of people chatting that makes me burn. It's the realization that nothing will be what it once was. Nothing will be okay. Not now. Not ever.
It's the "what am I here for?". What's my purpose? Why do I come here? Why do I do these things?
It's the sharp pain received after one intake of air. The subtle reminder that I am unfortunately still living.
My dreams and goals all suddenly laid in front of me. They burn with screams. They tell me to help them. To save them. How do I hold on to you? My hope goes down the rabbit hole. Never to return. There is no hope. There is nothing. It's void space. I reach as far as I can and it's ripped from me. I will never amount to anything.
They say "have children and you will be complete". A child will never complete me. I don't love anyone. I can't comprehend the people who say "I love this person". I wonder what it must be like to want to be around someone. I wonder what it feels like to want the best for someone. I'll never love anyone. I'll never marry. I won't have a future.
Time is unforgiving. If I die, time forgets me and the world continues to spin. Nothing stops. I wonder who I'd meet on the other side? Will it be god? God wouldn't be able to look at me. I'm tainted beyond repair.
I'm an eyesore.
It's as though I thought I was special. I'd say to myself, "I'll show them! I'll prove them all wrong!" How naive. What a fool I am.
I can tell, from your stare. You don't want me here.
It's alright. I'll leave. I couldn't do it anyway. The lights are too bright. The clock moves too slow. My body feels nothing like my own. Yes. I'll leave. I'll give you what you want.
I've given up on this anyway. What a waste of 12 years. I've given up trying to do anything. My hope used to kick in and say "No! Keep going! It's going to be okay. We can achieve everything we've ever wanted together!". But, my hope has died.
