This is just the beginning

This is for you mom

I'm writing this because I want to get the truth out for me but not just me. This isn't going to be in any particular order. This is my truth. How I remember things. It's not to offend family members in my current life or people I've cut out. I don't know where this is going but I want people to understand how I feel. I feel it's important because I hurt and I want people to feel like they aren't alone.
I always feel like I'm alone. Mostly in how I feel. I sometimes feel like I am a piece of shit mom because I am a first time mom and have no idea what I'm doing... I'm a first time mom with mental illness. Sometimes I feel like a shit wife because I feel like I'm not doing a good job as a mom and I project all of my fears onto my husband. Sometimes I feel like I'm a good wife and a good mom. Those feelings are few and far apart. So here it is. Some of it.
My mom's death brought up memories that I stored away. There's things I have blocked out and hid away for my own protection. I honestly don't want to remember the way my mom chose guys over me and my brother. How when I needed her most she abandoned me. More than once. I don't want to remember the sexual abuse I went through. I don't want to remember the physical abuse from my step dad, mom, dad and boyfriends.
This, what I'm writing is for people like my mom who spent her whole life hiding her problems.