// I'm leaving this place,I'll never be able to see you anymore. let's end this. I'm sorry.//
Pounded by the waves as my tears dropped into the letter she gave me before she left 5 years ago. I'm loosing her vowels in every words she wrote I can't clearly seem to understand. I don't know why she started to build this walls; words that left me unsteady making me feel eerie, teardrops passing through my lips that the aftertaste becomes bittersweet causing my tongue half in tone like stirring my mind to accept the fact that it's over.
Seasons passed in every months of a year still stained in footprints of memories together with you and whenever I inhale the breeze, the cold nostalgia comes after down my spine unable to make me refuse to forget her, keeping my heart to beat the same rhythm that beats for her. especially when the winter would come to that day when we first met and still get excited in the spirit of christmas though it suffers me to pain hoping she'll come back. I don't know why I feel this. that I'm still hoping, I'm still living the part of her, I can't feel the love in someone else that I found in her, I'm still hurting because of her and she's always the reason why I can't love someone else that I met in each seasons because every seasons becomes a part of us that Incan't replace to someone else. To the summer where we beg each time for a water to write down our poetries, to the spring where we both rest through the calm breeze after we write down our stories, to the autumn where we clean up the fallen leaves that we messed up during our downfalls and to the winter where we share our coats to each other while we read the stars at night learning more to our hearts that we still didn't know in times when we are cold. because even until now, I feel the memories are still alive yet sleeping.
Until the winter starts again. I saw you at the same bench with a same blue bonnet, same white coat, same fitted pants and with the same black winter boots which are your favourite and actually wearing it most of the times when we spend our days together. and as I desperately stood infront of you at the same thing I did last time, you gazed at me with your eyes that still captivates my heart especially when you showed me that same smile again. I burst into tears of happiness that I never felt it since the day she left me and I felt being baptized in reunion. my strong emotions can't wait to begin a new story together with her again. "There's nothing I could wish more than this, seeing you being back in my arms again." I said with a lousy voice forcing my tongue to reunite the vocals which I kept myself in silence for years. she never said anything and as I emotionally hugged her, my heart suddenly shattered into pieces making my eyes lost in space. "Hide your eyes before the damage comes after you." she said. I looked at her in sadness. "Y-you're a ghost?" I asked in tremble.
"I died because of heart disease after that day I left. and i'm a living spirit cannot be in peace because your heart still builds
me."
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Because I don't want that light to see the darkness devouring you."
"But it made my whole life in screams to reach for you again. instead of forgetting you, i taught myself on forgetting how to live happy without you."
"That's my mistake for taking the wrong choice inorder to save you from loneliness when I die, but it turns out you become more than alone, that's why I'm here to clear things out and be in peace in both of us."
" Do you think I could go back to that happiness when that happiness is all about you?"
"No, but you can change yourself for the better without me."
"How could you say that so easily? don't you even know how heavy to carry this burden?"
"I know, but I suffered alot more than you and it takes me a long long time to accept the fact that I'll be leaving you someday. and it's like I'm carrying my grave to the graveyard holding that heavy feeling knowing I can't be with you anymore."
"This hardly seems the worst part after the long absence of your presence especially seeing you within my eyes that after this you'll be leaving me."
"Art is a place for soul. I never lost for words and i also become a part of it because you're a masterpiece that made my words clearer. I may be dead but I could never die by leaving inside your heart because you're a writer who keeps writing stories about me. I live inside you."
I sadly smiled.
"I don't have much time anymore. before I disappear, I want you to dig out and find the box beside the tree were we've been making memories with. that should be the right choice to give the right letter to you even though I know it's too late, but I want you to read that last letter on how much I mean those words for you."
" I will and I'll try to be happy without you even if it's hard to change. I'll do it by remembering you inside me and as the angel of my life. "
"That's all I wanted to see in you. just open your eyes darling, there's more to see in the heaven of stars, you are the light and when you see the new star we've been studying in the night sky, I just want you to know that I arrived well. until we meet again."
I breathe deeply to say my last heavy goodbye but she disappeared after that.
I ran through that tree after
and dug beside as i found it. when i picked it up, the butterflies in my stomach shreds to violence like the first time I was walking in trembleness when we have our first date. there was a note outside the box and it'swritten at the top.
// Don't fear the longing,
the box might be deeply mysterious,
smells like petrichor or either the smell of embers outside the box because it might be something more. // I opened the box and the scent reminds me of her sweet perfume that could make me fall over and over again. she really knows me so well, she craves so much in wonder that even in this box I saw alot of our pictures i didn't know she took. the best poetries we made to each other, the different kinds of fallen leaves where we write down our promises when the time comes to fall and the last one is her last letter.
// You've become a part of me. your soul becomes my leading step to come forth from the opening of a new utopia and i'm holding you til' the last galaxy dies. you're my vein, my guide, the garden of my mind and that punctures every part of my cells and when the time has come for me, please don't forget that we live the love to the fullest. and when our souls meet again in another life, we'll rebuild everything in our worlds that could be dead right now. you could not see me today but always remember i'm your guardian from now on. time could be a quarter as well as my death but the day will come we'll see the infinite.
we are more than a symbol. so let me guide you to the depths beyond and below till the story ends. my fairytale.//
the breathing for now we'll be heavily in peace.
