Bound by Pages | larry

harry's essay

What has this year meant to me? Well, that's a good question. 

The thing is, this year wasn't just a year. It was an entire life experience ground up, powdered, and crammed into a hard pill to swallow. Somehow, I got it down, and now with my throat free and my voice able to be heard, I can share this year with you.

As I said, this wasn't a normal year for me. In fact, if all my years were like this, I would probably be bitter, dead, and a few fathers short. Some famous guy probably once said that life comes with balance. I think my year is proof for that. This year, I found the love of my life, my family fell apart, and I've learned a lot about how life's going to be from now on. 

Yes, I'll admit, 'love of my life' is probably stretching it. I'm rather optimistic, but even I know that high school loves don't usually last forever. Still, I'm not going to use that as an excuse for being a terrible boyfriend. Nothing lasts forever, everyone should be aware of that fact. Even so, that shouldn't be an excuse to not try your best just because you know there's going to be an end. Wouldn't you rather come out of something knowing you did everything in your power to make it the best it could possibly be?

This year my family fell apart. And I really wish this was an exaggeration like the previous paragraph was. But unfortunately, if anything, falling apart is an understatement. My father is in jail, my mom barely comes out of her room anymore. 

Do I wish everything was the same as it was ten years ago when everyone was happy? Yea, but I also realize that it's selfish for me to think like that. In my memory, everyone was happy. But then again, I was also a six-year-old who thought he knew everything. Thinking back, that was never a permanent, sustainable way for my family to live. Maybe we're better off in this sick, twisted version of what some call family. 

Finally, I think I have a better understanding of what my life is now. Don't get me wrong, minus all the shit (excuse my French) that happened, my life is pretty good. I have pretty good grades, a job, someone who loves me, and my own makeshift family. Despite all this, my life did a complete 180 this year, and it's never going to come full circle. I've already accepted that fact. I've also accepted that things aren't going to get easier, I'm just going to get used to it eventually. 

To that (probably very large) group of people who have had it worse than me: I get it, you've suffered too. But that does not mean you can invalidate my experiences. To that one man on the bus who asked me why I was crying: I told you my dad was in prison, but you told me it wasn't that bad because both your parents were locked up. Alright, but my dad is still in prison and I'm still crying, but now I feel invalidated. So thank you for that. 

When people ask for my pet peeves, I never know what to say. This, this is my pet peeve. Invalidating other people's problems by negatively one-upping them. Yes, someone probably has it worse, but that doesn't fix my shattered heart. Here it is, my pet peeve, in ink and on paper for all the future icebreakers I have to do in my life. 

So, if you gave me that chance to relive this year, but sleep through the entire thing, would I take it? Yesterday, the answer would have been an automatic yes. I would take that opportunity to have a normal year in a heartbeat. 

Unfortunately, not everything is that simple. I've been giving this some thought and realized that this year was unavoidable, it just happened to be this year. It could have easily been next year or last year. Truth is, my situation has always been a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I can't say I regretted it because now it's over, and hopefully, I'll never have to deal with it again. 

 It's hard to think about how this was just four months of the year. That's 33%. (Extra marks for math please) Yet, it seemed like a lifetime ago when I went camping with my Liam.

That's right. Liam. I didn't forget about him if that's what you thought. How could I forget that my best friend died this year? That one was my fault though. If we weren't in that argument if I had just gone to that party. But I won't torment you with the spiral of thoughts that is inevitably coming. That's for tonight when I'm trying to sleep. 

So this year, what else can I say? I'll admit, it wasn't the best, but I believe it was necessary. I loved, I lost, and I mourned. Rest in peace Liam, I love you. 

Do I regret anything though?

No, no I don't think so.