Perfect Hook

Perfect Hook: 04

Chapter Four

"How are you doing today, Liam?" I ask, just as he's settled into his seat.

He shrugs and leans back, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. I lean further into my chair and watch him. "Same old," he finally says, but doesn't meet my eyes. A wisp of silence follows his response. I can't imagine how different his mind works to my own; how he processes the losses and hurt in his life compared to me.

Sometimes it's hard to engage in this type of counselling because all I want to do is make people feel better, even when they're pushing everyone around them away. With people like Liam, my frustration brews like a pot of overflowing water and I just want to shake him by the shoulders; let him know that he's going to be okay, that his life isn't over. But it's hard to do that and I have no right to say those words because I'm not him.

But it's when there's a silence that engulfs the room, when I know the person is reluctant to share how they're feeling that I'm the most frustrated.

Liam meets my eyes and I notice the dark shadows under his eyes, his expression softens and my curiosity grows. "I don't know what I want to talk about today," he confesses and taps against his chair. Suddenly, he stands up. "I've had a lot on my mind ... just everything passing through me and I can't sleep because I just don't know what to do anymore and ugh,"

"Why don't we talk about what's on your mind?"

"Everything. Nothing. It's funny you know," he pauses with a smile, but there's no amusement present."I can go days being fine, it'll be at the back of my mind and then suddenly I'm triggered, and I can't think of anything else for months. I joined the army because I wanted to learn something, I wanted to gain some form of responsibility I hadn't and would never learn at home. When I was there ... it was like I was finally doing something right, protecting my country and that's what the army does right? They draw you in, oh you'll learn new skills, meet new people, become a family. But what about when you see your fucking family die in front of you and you can't do anything?"

The power of his words rush through me and I nod, absentmindedly. I can't pretend to know the feeling, but I can always sympathise with him. "I can't imagine how that must feel," I note. "What's your view on the army now?" Liam left the army after his captain died, but soon after so did his mother and I can imagine two recurring deaths have completely altered his thinking on both situations. Death has a funny way of doing that.

He continues to pace around the room and my eyes are drawn to the baggy jumper that's far too big on him, whilst his trousers are incredibly tight; showcasing his thin legs. "I don't know. I was only ever good there." He's sad as he says this and it hurts to know his own mind is blocking everything he's capable of.

"You were good there, but that doesn't mean that you're not good anywhere else,"

"Yes it does," Liam mutters and turns to face me. "I couldn't even drive a lorry, a bloody lorry without fucking that up too. I can't go back to the army because all I see is the fucking men that killed my friends, my general. But I can't stay here because I just mess everything up; whether it's with drugs, with alcohol."

I lean forward, so that my forearms are on my knees and take a moment to collect my thoughts. Any situation like this is hard, but it's especially hard when you can't tell the person what to do. Liam is lost and I can't lead him down the road to recovery; he has to do that himself. "You have bad memories in both places," I state and Liam's brows raise as the thought registers. "You lost people in the army and you lost your mum here."

Liam's expression sags, "Yeah,"

It's almost like all of the energy drains from him as he drags himself back to the seat and collapses. "I didn't think of it like that, but you're right. Nowhere feels like home anymore, because every place I've considered home has just been fucking destroyed and ... I've been left,"