Under It All

7

"What the hell do you think your doing. Talking like that to me in front of everyone. Doll I don't know what the hell is going on with you. But that shit has gotta stop" he yells at me. 

Spinning around I look in his eyes and see flames of burning fire and I know he is holding back.

"Negan you just don't get it ok. I didn't do all that to go against you, that's the farthest possible thing I ever want to do. I'm sorry if it seemed that way but you don't understand and you will never understand."  Taking a deep breath  "Those two pieces of crap didn't deserve to live. I was thinking about Mel, keeping her safe. NO ONE was there to keep me safe. I made damn sure that there wasn't even a tiny chance of her getting hurt." By now I'm in tears I feel Negan wrap his arms around me. Pushing me to the point of breaking. "And you know what else it's so fucked up. I'm mad at you damn it. Why couldn't I have met you before? Why weren't you there to protect me? I know you didn't know me, but I wish you did." With that I crumble to the floor. "You would have saved me, I wouldn't have to be a monster. I wouldn't feel like I need to poor bleach on my skin every time I look in the mirror. I still feel them and everything they did." I can't remember what happened after that other then Negan rocking me in his arms until I fell asleep. 

I woke up early the next morning. I couldn't handle seeing his face yet, I needed to sort my thoughts out. Seeing those two assholes again brought everything forward. I killed them for what they did but not just that. For wounds that I spent years nursing and healing from, came open in one night. Because of Negan and the feelings he is making me feel the present and past mixed together and I don't know if I can handle being that person again. It almost killed me before. I won't let it get that far this time. Deciding what needed to be done I stood up from the plants that I had been planting and headed inside. Walking into Negan's room hoping that he and Mel hadn't left for the day. I wanted to talk to him scratch that I needed to talk to him now I couldn't do this any longer. 

Thankful there he was in all his glory "Darln' I see you got an early start. How are you, I was worried after last night."

I couldn't help but smile at how sweet he was being but I quickly remember why I was here. "Mel do you think you could go see if you can find any pretty flowers I need to talk with Negan."  smiling I nodded my head to the door as she took off smiling I knew she would be safe out Simon and the other savior's were out in the yard.

"So what do you wanna talk about?" He asks in a monotone voice.

Motioning my hand to the chair I knew he wasn't going to be happy. "I just umm........" taking a deep breath I started again. "I can't be here anymore. I don't think it's working out. It will be better if we leave."

Negan sat there trying to process what Allison had said laughing he smirked at her and said "Yeah good one doll." 

"Negan I'm serious." My heart breaking at my own words. But I know it's what needs done.

"No your not why would you leave. Mels happy. I'm gonna make you happy. There is no reason to leave." He said trying to keep calm.

"No I just can't be here." 

"Bullshit you can't say that. Tell me the Goddamn truth." He said yelling at me. 

"I am" two simple but untrue words and he new.

"Don't fucking lie to me damn it." Slamming his fists on the coffee table making me jump. This was the reason I needed to leave he was to much like Nick. Why do I always pick the bad guys. "Damn it Allison tell me." At this point I was shaking getting ready for the hit but it never came. Looking up I could see that he was standing pacing with his hands in his hair. "Ali why do you wanna leave? I thought we had something good going. Me you and Mel we are good together."