Torn

Back to Work

'You know,

One might think that with the profession I'm in, I wouldn't be super anxious and self-conscious.

But I am.

Fuck me, I am.

I dunno, I guess the feelings just become kinda dull a little during a shift. Probably because we all wear masks, and I feel like no one knows it's me even though it's pretty obvious that it is.

I'm not even sure when I really started to get like this, but I don't like it.

I feel like everything I say,

And everything I do,

Is being watched by the people around me. I know I'm not, I really do, but that doesn't make the feeling go away.

And I feel like if I do something wrong, no one's gonna like me.

So I just kinda tune things out to avoid it all. But that always leads to more problems, I swear.

Like yesterday's glorious mess of a meeting, for example. 

And that talk with Lor.

Ugh, I wish I would've said something to her. I wish I would have said something a while ago.

But lo and behold, my stupid fears prevented me from doing so.

She probably wouldn't have returned the feelings anyway, even if I did tell her before she started dating Enn.

Whatever, I guess.

I mean, if she's happy with him, then I'm happy for her.

I'd rather have her by my side as a friend than not all because I care about her.

Far more than I probably should, actually.'

As Baby closed her journal, an obnoxious alarm started sounding from her watch, which she had actually remembered to set for once.

"Oh, would you look at that. It's time for work. Fun."

She was supposed to be paired with the dancer on this particular day, actually. They had a stupid amount of parties booked, and they worked in pairs when that happened. Mostly because it lessened the chances of children ripping them to shreds.

"Better get up and get to it."

She laid sprawled out on her floor for another minute before forcing herself to get up.