They Don't Know: Life Through Tatiyanna's Eyes

2. Pet Peeves

I'm very emotional at this point in my life. I speak my mind more often than I used to & it feels good but once upon a time but also today, I thought people didn't care about what I had to say or feel. I'm a loner & I don't have many friends like most. One thing I hate is people telling me I need to make friends. If they wanted to talk to me then they would.
Also I hate when people try to tell me how to feel, think, act, & dress. It makes me & others like me think that we aren't good enough as we are. Especially due to the fact that I'm considered plus size. My family finds more ways every holiday to tell me that I need to lose weight. I'm very comfortable in my skin so I wear what I please. So what if I wear a crop top. I feel good in it. So what if I wear mostly leggings & midi dresses. I like them.
The hair that grows out of my head is beautiful & I love it. My Afro is deemed unprofessional & ugly in my family. Every time they see my hair they literally ask what I'm going to do with it. When I say nothing, they look at me funny. Just because my Afro isn't 3A or 3B, that doesn't mean it's any less beautiful.
It pisses me off that everyone tries to push their insecurities onto me. Stop trying to change who people are because you aren't comfortable about how confident or free they are. Live your life & go out more but don't knock me because I'm apparently not a normal teenager.

I'm not popular
I'm not skinny
I'm not regular pretty
I'm not normal
I'm Tatiyanna.

I want people to see me for me. Not because I look like someone feels. If you're uncomfortable with how I dress or how my body looks then you need a serious evaluation. Being thick doesn't make incapable of doing things like getting a job or keeping one.

One of the biggest pet peeves is liars. Everyone in my family has gotten support from everyone with everything they do. Then there's me.... I gotta do EVERYTHING myself with no support. I'm 17 with sense of self & what I love to do. I wanted to be a hair dresser & makeup artist. I was told it was just a dream & a hobby. You are always told you have to have something to fall back on. Most of the people that tell you that never had to fallback on anything at all.

I admit that I used to get really jealous when I would go to a game or play that my cousins were in. I watched everyone be so supportive with them but never me. I did the same things as them but nobody showed up for me. Nobody cheered me on. Nobody bought me flowers afterwards to congratulate me. I had two constant people support my everything. These two people are the loves of my life & I'd especially do anything for these two people. My cousin Monique & my big sister Tiara. They've carried me until now & I'm internally grateful for them. They came to everything & cheered me on. It still hurt to go their games & see that everyone showed up for them but when I asked, I got excuses. Even when we literally in the same play, they got more praise. I realized that people are gonna support who they want to & I was gonna do it better. So family function after another I went missing. I figured "eye for an eye". They don't come to my functions, then I don't go to theirs either.

All of a sudden I was getting asked constantly where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. Don't bother to care now if you didn't before. Everyone kept asking "Where's Tatiy?" I'm not coming to anything else unless I feel like I truly fuck with you & that's just pure honesty. If I've gotten mutual positive things & support then I'll come to anything for you, but if you ducked & dodged me purposely then tuhhhh.
I'm gonna stop supporting who doesn't support me. That's why my cousins & I don't hang out now. They made it a point to push me away when I wanted to be close or when I needed them most. Especially one in particular but I just pray for her now. We cool from a far now. She dissed me on my birthday this year when she could've been honest & told me that she was gonna hangout with someone else. Instead I found out through Snapchat that she went out of town. She texted me when my dinner was over & was like oh.

I stopped talking to them because they move too funny. They only come around when they need something or none of their friends are there. Shit find someone else because we not like that. If we don't talk or hang like we used to, it's because of you if you're reading this. I intentionally cut people off silently because they're not gonna miss me anyways until they realize I was right from the start. Don't come back to me. All of you had your shots to be honest with me.

Guys.

I don't do relationships because I'm brutally honest & nonchalant when it comes to them. When I crush, I crush mad hard & I hate it. I don't say anything because usually I'm not their type & I know it. So I fw guys that actually like me & learn to like them back. However I have a bullshit radar in my chest & if it goes off then I'll back off. I hate relationships because guys never listen. They think they know more than you & that you're gonna last.

My last relationship went that exact way. I literally asked him was he sure because he's VERY DAMAGED. He said yeah so I turned on my logic. He kept doing questionable stuff like accusing me of cheating & things. So I backed off from him. He made me feel like he didn't give a fuck because he wasn't honest about his feelings ever. He always did dumb shit & when I tell him to stop, he'd never listen. When his stupid ass almost got arrested, I didn't say anything. For what? I warmed him.

Any relationship I have I always ask them questions. "Are you sure this is what you want?" Is my favorite. They always lie & day yeah then take you through hell. I left ol dude & he started acting brand new like I slapped his mama. I left for my peace of mind not because I didn't care. Guys need to understand that.

People need to understand that constantly hurting someone is gonna make them walk away. Wether it's a friendship or relationship, you gotta be careful. Today's generation wants everything for nothing. They stab you in the back & pretend they didn't do it. We're gonna all hate watching our own backs but we have to.

Whatever You Do, Be Careful

- T