So it's late at night and you know the usual crying whatever but just to fill you in on how my days been so you don't just think I'm an absolute wetwipe here ya go.
The Morning
Woke up about 9:00AM found motivation to get up about 10:15AM, my mother who suppose to love me so dearly greats me as I come downstairs with a lovely lecture about how I'm hard to live with because of my depression and how I'm pushing people away because of my depression oh and don't let me forget she told me I'm not getting better. The woman who hasn't noticed the self harm scars I've had for years, the woman who doesn't bother with me unless she needs something, the woman who guilts me into thinking the state of my mental health is my own fault, is telling me I'm not getting better. I couldn't hold back much more I was just stood here look at her tearing up.
Me: How dare you tell me I'm not getting better, you pay no attention to me unless you've got something nasty to say, you're stick up for your arsehole husband who speaks to me like shit. You haven't even noticed the panic attacks have stopped you've not noticed I've stop cutting my leg and you have the nerve to tell me I'm not getting better.
Her face just dropped and don't get me wrong I love my mum and can already see the ooh you shouldn't speak to your mother like that comments coming but fuck you if you think that you don't know what she's like sometimes. (P.S. I managed to make marmite crumpets while she was digging at me.)
My tearing up eyes turned into streaming eyes and I had leave the room to calm myself down my mum already assumes I'm going upstairs to get back into bed but I correct her and explain I'm sitting in the living room to calm myself down as she's upset me. She followed me in, bloody great cheers make me feel shit then don't give me space to calm down just what I like.
I took the oldest of younger sister to town to try and take my mind of things.
When I got back it started again, I'm called selfish, ungrateful, lazy all these shitty words thrown at me because of an illness I can't help. Then after being so vile to me she asks me to do her make up before she fucks off to get pissed so I do it and she continues to dig at me while I'm tearing up she's telling me I need it help myself and cheer myself up.
Me:It's hard to cheer myself up and make myself feel better when I'm surround by you and Paul (her knobhead husband) who constantly have something shitty to say to one of us, it's hard to motivate to help around the house when I don't even feel comfortable walking round as I don't want to be criticised by either of you. He speaks to me like shit and you do nothing about it and it bothers me. And I'm sick of you saying I'm not getting better you've not even noticed how bad this got and that I've stopped doing it.
I lowered my right size of my PJ's to show her my scars
Yet again her face dropped, no thank you for doing her make up no goodbye they just left.
A few hours ago
I'm babysitting my sisters and start snapping for no reason I realise my moods going off for the first time in weeks I apologise to them both as they both understand what's wrong with me. I go upstairs to try chill myself out and I just cry and cry and cry. I tried to get in touch with my boyfriend he couldn't give me the time of day. I message my recent close friend he's not seen this side of yet only seen my dippy happy side, he tells me he's going to help me sort this. As much as I appreciated his help it just wasn't enough to calm me down and I fucking did it didn't it.
Cut my leg after so so long of not doing it I just feel like I've proved my mum right, I also feel like she's put me in the mind set all day that I'm not getting better so I've started to believe it.
I'm so so disappointed in myself :(
YOU ARE READING
My Depression
Non-FictionBasically a diary to help me cope with my depression, hoping someone will read and maybe be able to relate and know they're not alone,learn things from it, educate themselves and understand the illness better.
