Something about me (On Hold)

The girl I once was

Have you even been in a situation where you allowed another to cloud your judgement? A point in your life where you thought love didn't exist and all that was left in the world was pain, hurt and those bitches from high school? You know the ones - those wannabe Regina Georges who roamed the halls looking for reasons to call you names such as fat, ugly, slut which progressed into more... countless other names that i still let dominate my head and never seem to leave my mind to this day. The never ending loop of spiralling into the oblivion which is the depression that is my own mind, feeling trapped and unnoticed... unable to seek help from those around you because they don't care - believe me.. I know that feeling, and i have lived with it for longer than anyone ever should have to.

I have lived my life in destruction and torment... pain around every corner - every twist and turn, one step at a time as life got more and more confusing and i got increasingly more irritable by each passing day. My heart racing - my blood boiling as I wept at the side of a damp road... unable to hear my surroundings - my world going quieter second by second... minute by minute until hours turn into days and months pass. I hear the voices of those i once knew lurking in the back of my mind screaming to come to the surface... the voices that make my fears real.. that make me fall. fall back into the pit of despair... playing in my head the endless loop of my last life - my past self before all of this.

I'm going crazy... I just know it. I've been told so by others anyway... my thick, dark hair covers my face as i hold onto my knees and shiver in the cold London air.

"I can't do this anymore" I mumbled as the words escaped my mouth I could feel my body beginning to give up after months of sleeping at the road side, wasting away and fading out of existence like I'm supposed to.

My poisoned mind... Poisoned by those who couldn't appreciate me for who I was... by those I once cared for and was stupid enough to believe they would care about me - that anyone could care for someone as fucked up as me. I spent months roaming the streets of London with no plan, no one to turn to and no place to call home.

Everything happens for a reason they told me... I guess it does because getting out of "there" was the best thing I have achieved in my short 16 years.

A voice screams as I sob on the dusty street corner:

"Excuse me" It yells as I begin to hear feet heavily running along path, splashing through puddles as the foot steps get closer. My heart racing as panic infiltrates my body and takes over.

"Oh my God" The voice becomes clearer as I feel a pressure on my shoulder - Not the type of violent pressure I was used to, it was relaxed and welcoming... I look to my left to see the one person who would become to be my friend.. a sister even.

looking at me with a confused look in her eye until I crash and fall into her arms, "It's alright, you're going to be okay!" The excitement and hope i saw in her eyes began to dull as she looked at the ground as if she was having to persuade herself that it would all work out...

She took off her jacket and wrapped it around me before bringing me into a warm embrace and holding me tightly as if to say "We're in this together"

I never told Her much about my past after that day, and she never insisted on knowing - shes one of those "if the time is right" kind of people. Not one of those to pressure, push and pester until you finally snap.

She was a rather small girl compared to me with a large height difference, but she was beautiful and a kind hearted person with so much love to give. Elena was stunning, flowing dark hair, tan skin, gorgeous green eyes and fashion sense to die for... shes one of those girls to be jealous of - the type of girl who never needed make up to feel confident.

My life before this day was.. well - eventful to say the least!

My mother died during my birth and my father was never the same... or so I've heard. He has never said a nice word to me - my brother had to take charge in raising me because dad always blamed me for my mothers death - called me a fuck up, never even used my real name...

MY OWN FUCKING FATHER

The sly owner of a filthy million pound bank account and dirty man whore - fucking women left, right and centre! wandering the streets at early hours of the morning looking for his next victim.. or "customer" as he puts it.

I sometimes wonder about the man he was before - the man who would still be here if I was never born... if mother never fell pregnant, if she never died, if.....

"what if i never existed?"

"what if none of this ever happened?"

"what if i was gone? would it all just go away?"

Questions that remain unanswered until this very day... October 1st 2018

Is this year the one where things can finally change? Is this the year where i find a way to turn my life around?

I can finally find peace with the person I am today - the fucked up teenager just strolling through life that I am... instead of the girl i once was...