Ella ✔️

CHAPTER 14

I saw darkness with flickers of tiny white dots before my eyes slowly opened. My sight was blurry. I felt dizzy, fuzzy, and pickled. It took my eyes quite some time to adjust to the brightness of the light that shone brightly above me.

After a couple of seconds, my sight finally adjusted to the brightness. I stared blankly at the white ceiling, as confusion drowned me. I tried to seat up, but I was feeling really weak. "No, don't move," a calm voice, that sounded like that of Tofunmi said from a corner of the room, making me want to turn. "I'll adjust it for you," she said again. But, her voice sounded a lot closer, as I felt her place her left arm across my shoulder, holding me in place as she adjusted my bed.

After she adjusted my bed, I could see her and the entire room. She was the only person in my room. "Wh..." I tried to talk, but my throat was dry and aching, while my voice was hoarse.

Tofunmi brought the wooden chair she was seating on at the corner of the room, to sit beside my bed. "Drink water first," she said in a low tone as she sat down, stretching a glass of water to me. I was scared that it was going to taste somehow in my mouth, but still, I collected it and drank it all. "I went to make hot tea..." Tofunmi was saying as I pulled the cup away from my mouth, making me reflexively look at her to listen. "...for us to chill our nerves and talk, but you had already slit your wrist before I got there."

Her words began to bring back the memories. What seemed like I had forgotten, began to play in my head like I was watching a big screen. I began to feel bad. But, before I could get a word out of my mouth, Tofunmi popped the question I planned on avoiding. "Why?" I looked away from her face since it only made me feel sick about myself more and more. She had this super worried sad look on her face, and it wasn't helping in any way. "Why Toyo, why?" she pressed. "Just tell me why Toyo, why? What did I do wrong? What did any of us in the family do wrong? Where are we going wrong? Please, tell me. So, we'll know how to fix it." Her words made my eyes itch, as tears began to touch my lashes. My hands quickly went to my eyes, to scratch it.

I wanted to speak and tell her all of it. But, I couldn't. I didn't really have a reason why I couldn't tell her, I simply couldn't. There was this uneasiness within me, that was making me scared to open up. I didn't turn to look at her, I kept my gaze fixed on the walls I was looking at as I said a low, "Nothing."

Tofunmi laughed humorlessly. "Nothing? Seriously? Nothing? And you expecting me to believe that? Can't you remember? It's nothing that brought us here in the first place." She paused, and sighed, making me slowly look in her direction as she rubbed the bridge of her nose in slight frustration. "I don't know what you're so scared of Tee, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong girl. Please."

Her plea began to get to me, making me feel compelled to talk to her. I let myself sighed and sank into more into my bed. "I don't feel enough," I said in a really low tone. "I feel like I'm nothing, like I'm not worth it. Like I'm useless. I feel like everything about me is wrong." My voice began to increase and become more audible. "There's this emptiness I feel within me, every now and then. I feel so useless most of the time I breathe. I try to brighten up, smile and do happy stuff. But, it's like there's something within me that doesn't fail to remind me always, of how useless I am. And when my classmates mocked me about my deepest fear today, I felt more and more useless. It was like, I wasn't making sense out of life, so why live? I'm just so useless. I'm pretty sure the entire family is tried and embarrassed of me, but you people keep pretending. I'm a disgrace to my friends. And, I want to save you all from all the embarrassment and disgrace, so I used the quickest way ever. I don't want to burden you all anymore, why don't you just let me go?"

I could literally see the pain and disappointment in Tofunmi's eyes. Her eyes had slightly watered and had turned red. "Who told you that? What made you so assured that we were embarrassed and disgraced of you? Who?" she sounded angry, but yet looked super calm.

"No one," I said plainly, making her sigh.

"Then why? Why let yourself think and believe so?"

I couldn't produce any reasonable answer. My mouth kept on opening and closing, without producing anything. I wanted to talk, but the words weren't coming out.

Tofunmi looked at me with a sad smile and said, "You let the words of others get to you."

I don't know how she did it, but those words penetrated into me right away. I let the words of others get to me?

Tofunmi cleared her throat, sat down uptight, and began to talk again. "See baby girl, not everyone can or will agree with you, or see things the way you see them. You're bound to be mocked, laughed at, and taken unseriously. No one is perfect hon, everyone has their imperfections in their own way. In fact Tee, I'm the person with the most flaw in our house, but do I let that get to me? No. I'm mostly the misfit in whatever group of friends I have, but still, I didn't let any of it get to me. When I was in high school, I was mocked a lot that it began to look like bullying. But, I didn't let any of it get to me. See Tee, most people are trying to look strong on the inside, but are truly soft and weak on the inside. They are people who also have deepest fears that are funny, but yet laugh at someone's own that's less funny than theirs'. But, you can't let these people get to you. Life is all about choices. And, you are the only person who can make all the choices in your life, you only need the right guidance and support. You're the only person that can say to yourself, 'I won't let them push me to my weak point, I'll be a courageous person. I'll move on. I'll show them that their judgment and misconceptions are wrong. I'll give them more reasons to laugh at themselves and jealous me. I'll live on, just to show them these things'. It's you Tee, only you can help yourself. Because, if you don't see life this way, you'll keep try and trying to end it all. I've been there before." she smiled and gently placed her right hand in my right shoulder. "Baby girl, you are worth it. You are worth more than you can ever imagine. And in my next life, if I'm offered a sister, I'll opt for you. You're an amazing sister, who makes me laugh, compromise, and do things I wouldn't normally do. The only person bold enough to smuggle out of our house. You're that courageous girl. And losing you is like losing it all. I love you Tee, so does every single member of our family does. We cherish you. You are one of the best sisters and daughters a person could ask for."

I could help but smile, as my already watered eyes began to drip tears. I began to feel foolish, selfish, and unreasonable. I began to see the wrong in it all. I'm supposed to fight, not run. "We FIGHT, not RUN." Ebun's words rang in my head, making me smile.