Des Le Premier Jour- a snowbaz fic

4

Simon

I'm nervous and fidgety while we walk the trail back to the spot. I don't want to feel that kind of magic again- but if I don't feel it this time, if what happened before was a fluke, I'll have to assume I've lost my shit. And Baz- I don't want him near it, or Penny and Micah. That kind of power, the kind of power I used to have, isn't safe, especially when it's unharnessed like that.

I'm so deep in thought that I don't hear the others talking, and when Baz takes my hand, he has to squeeze it a couple times for me to notice. I don't feel awake or in control of my emotions- like I'm dreaming. It happens when I'm nervous.

For a while, I don't bother trying to snap myself out of my trance. I let the faint voices and Baz's hand guide me along the path. Suddenly, new voices float into my hearing, and a group of panicked adolescents nearly collides with Penny.

It's taking me a while to process their words. The clearing is haunted, they're saying. They were messing with a Ouija board ("idiots," Baz mutters) and they think they actually summoned something. They frantically warn us not to go back to the spot.

Penny pushes past them, and the rest of us follow awkwardly. One of the kids makes eye contact with me and shakes his head. I nod, for some reason, and head after Baz and the others. The clearing is right ahead of us, looking perfectly tranquil and innocent.

"This it?" Micah asks.

"Yep," Baz says gravely. "Snow? You there?"

I repeat his words over and over again in my mind, trying to figure out what they mean and how to respond. I'm so stuck in my head. It's like I'm trapped under the ice in a frozen lake. If I can break the ice, I'll be able to be present and aware, to properly hear and see and react to things. But I can't crack the frozen layer above me, so I'm just swimming in circles, slowly thinking....I used to never think at all, and now I can't get out of my thoughts.

"Snow? Hey, Simon!" Baz is practically shaking me. He takes me by the arm and leads me out of Penny and Micah's sight behind a tree.

"What is wrong with you?"

I stare at him, not really seeing anything. I try to remember how to make words come out of my mouth. "I'm uh...spacing out." I say flatly. I sound like a dumbass, Aleister Crowley.

Baz looks at me like he's trying to read text written backwards. "Ok, well, Earth to Snow. Can you try and come back?"

"I am trying..."

"Here." Baz takes both my hands and looks into my eyes. "Find five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste."

"What?"

He shrugs. "Just do it. It's grounding. Five things you can see."

I look around. I can see Baz. Green leaves. Penny's frizzy burgundy hair. The bark of the tree behind Baz. Moist, dark soil that becomes cracked and dry, like the skin on my hands and elbows in winter, right at the border of the clearing.

"Okay."

Baz nods. "Now, four things you can touch."

I feel silly, touching all the things around me like a toddler. Baz's hair, tree bark, a leaf, my own fingernails, rough and short, bitten down and dotted with white marks because I don't take my vitamins and my diet is mostly scones and pasta.

Baz leads me through hearing the birds, the wind, and my wings brushing against the trees, and smelling the wet spring wind and his expensive cologne. The ice is melting. I can see the sky above it.

"One thing you can taste," Baz says. His face is very close to mine. Very close. I know what he wants. One thing I can taste. Well, I'm not going to eat a leaf, am I?

Baz's got grapefruit chapstick that makes my mouth tingle. He's cold, so cold, as he always is, but he's melting the ice. I can see and hear and think in time with the rest of the world. Everything stops skipping and breaking, returning to its usual fluidity.

Baz pulls away, freezing-cold hands on my cheeks. "How do you feel?"

 I'm still nervous, but I'm awake and aware. "Grounded."

"Okay, love. You ready?"

I smile without having to force it. "Yep. Let's go, darling."