Everything I Never Say ✓

[ twelve ]

Twelve

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I got through my O-Levels. That too, quite impressively.

Then again, I've always been a straight-A student haven't I? You used to tease me about it, remember? You probably don't —and that's actually okay, Daniel.

It was insane, the way everything seemed to drag on till the point of the examination, and then once it was over, the months began flying past. Before long, I was seventeen and entering upper Sixth Form.

And you, you were gone. Twenty-one, an official adult, and off to a University in Glasgow.

And I, I remained here. Seventeen year old girl with her entire life ahead of her, whose mind, body and soul were in Birmingham; whose heart was away in Glasgow, a place she'd never even set her sights on.

Funny, the way life works.

I say this now, here, within these pages. But back then, I never let myself think about it— about you—for even a microsecond. I think my mind stopped engaging in thoughts related to you back when I was about fifteen and you were no longer in the same school as I was, attending a Sixth Form college instead.

That life was good—the school life, I mean. I had friends; I was quite popular. I knew there were a quite a few guys who had their eyes set on me. There was a lot of innocent flirting on my part of course, though always taking caution to not cross the line in fear of giving them false hopes. My grades didn't suffer, and though they no longer skyrocketed as the subjects got more complex, my academic records remained constant and stable.

So it wasn't that my life revolved around you.

It wasn't that I had no focus on my goals whilst my heart kept inching further and further away from me, and more and more towards you.

I mean, people say that don't they? They tell girls who are so in love with a guy to the point where sometimes the feeling robs them of their breath that they're not focusing on their ambitions. They tell girls whose eyes search for the one they love in the face of every boy they run into that they don't know how to get their priorities straight. They tell girls that try and try to give their heart away to someone who yearns for it instead of someone who is oblivious to it that life isn't about boys.

As if unrequited love is a one-way ticket to self destruction. As if falling in love with someone who you know won't love you back makes you weak. As if being able to talk and write about that bittersweet ache means you're not doing anything worthwhile in life, that you're too dependant, that you're wasting your time away.

I've never wasted my time away, ever. I had a healthy social life, a good academic record, great family bonds. I indulged myself in writing, and reading, and Mandala drawings—doing the things I love and getting better at them each time.

Daniel, listen. You've never made me lose my focus, or shrug off my priorities. You have never made me wander around aimlessly while life passed me by. I did everything I could ever want to do in my life whilst being in love with you. You took nothing away. People are always armed with an opinion, and I'm sick of feeling like my feelings for you are wrong and something to be ashamed of.

You've never made me mope and wait around for you with false hopes and fantasies filling up my mind.

You've only ever made me feel love. Love, love, love. You've made me feel the innocence of an eight year old, the confusion of a twelve year old, the fear of a fifteen year old, the acceptance of an eighteen year old, and the eventual bittersweet nostalgia of a twenty year old.

If I can count every grain of sand in the shores of the beach we made a trip to twice a month; if I can trace lines from the first star all the way to the very last star in this galaxy that we both live in; if I can collect every single drop of water that's been touched with moonlight; if I can pick every single petal from all the flowers that has been kissed by a ray of the sun —maybe then, maybe, I will be able to tell you exactly how far and how long this feeling runs.

Maybe then I will be able to tell you it is limitless.

And that is how you make me feel, Daniel. You make me feel limitless.

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