I really hate that when I sleep I have to deal with the same scenarios if letting people I care for die. I want to be normal I hate being like this, if I was happy I could help more I could make people happy, I could let people in and not be destroyed when they leave. If I was normal I wouldn't have to deal with my thoughts and I would be happy. Why can't I be normal? Why is it that I have to be so weird? Why can't I just be normal like everyone else? Is it cause of my thoughts? Do I let others control me? Why is it that being normal is such a hard task to the point that me saying I love myself is almost always a lie. If I could love myself and accept myself could I be normal? I can't do it because that means I would have to say yeah it's okay that you did all those things. I really see myself as someone who doesn't deserve anything. I hate myself more then I love anyone and I'm disgusting to the point of when I see myself in the mirror it's nothing but raw hate. Self hate is something that I believe is to be used as something to keep you down. I know this yet I'm still here, still hating myself, unable to accept myself, unable to love myself and what it feels like unable to be a use to anyone. This is my thoughts on the good side of me as my mental slowly breaks I will continually updating this every now and then.
