Forever and Always

Chapter 10: I'm tired and it's Wintah

|| Madi's Point of View||

The swirling visions taking place beneath my eyelids were a combination of fantasies and memories of the past. Some memories good, some bad. I was reliving a time when my mother and I were practicing on her guitar together when I heard my name being called and felt gentle shaking on my shoulder. I pried my eyes apart for a split second to see Caroline's face, mere inches away from mine. She had a mixture of excitement and nervousness etched into her expression as she continued to gently shake me, since I'd already closed my eyes again.

"Mads, come on! I really need to show you something," she whispered in my ear.

I rolled over slightly and grumbled, "But I'm tired and it's wintah."

Caroline started laughing, it was our go-to phrase when we didn't feel like doing something, much like Harry Styles didn't feel like getting his make up put on in that one video.

"Sleepyhead, it's not even winter! And I wanted to wake you hours ago, this is IMPORTANT," she said as she started repeatedly poking me in the cheek.

I peeled my eyes open again and looked at her alarm clock, "Caroline , it's freaking 10pm. I don't think anything is important enough to drag my ass out of this bed right now... but nice try," I said in exasperation as I dragged the blankets over my head.

She didn't bother me anymore after that and I thought she was just going to leave me alone, so I started to actually drift back to sleep. After a few minutes, however, I felt a weight on the side of the bed and she threw the blankets off of me. I opened one eye and glared at her, she just smiled and reached for my face, squeezing my cheeks together so my mouth was contorted, "Mads, stop being a pain in the ass. I swear, this is going to make you shit yourself," she said, rather seriously.

I, however, began laughing, "Uh... OK... graphic." I reluctantly sat myself up so that my back was resting against the headboard,

"God what has you so excited?" I questioned, my voice dripping with irritation.

She just gave me a smug, closed mouth grin and motioned toward her phone.

I rolled my eyes and looked down, trying to focus on the small text.

Once my fuzzy morning vision began to clear and I could make out what exactly I was looking at, I honestly thought my eyeballs were about to pop out and roll off the bed. WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON.

"What is this..." I mumbled to myself as I looked at her texts.

"MADS! MATT'S TRYING TO MEET YOU!" she said excitedly. For a split second, I allowed myself to fangirl, but the smile immediately slid off my face when I thought about how much exposure this was getting. Was he doing this because he really cared? Or for publicity?

Caroline was still sitting next to me, buzzing in my ear with excitement as I sat, trapped in my mind, having a mini-freak out, "Were going to meet him tomorrow", she whispered, grinning widely.

The joy quickly melted away from her face and she gave me a strange look, "Wha-- What? Why!?" she asked, sounding surprised.

"Why the hell would he care enough about someone he doesn't even know, enough to meet me" This has to be to get him more attention. There's no way he would have time to bother with me. He's freaking Matt Espinosa. I'm not going to get my hopes up about this," I said, nothing but doubt running through my mind.

Caroline looked at me incredulously,"Mads, Listen to yourself! He hasn't done a single thing to you. Why would you think so poorly of his intentions? she asked, making me feel like she was a mother scolding her stubborn child. I guess in a way, she was.

"Because it doesn't make sense!" I yelled as I moved the laptop and jumped up from the bed, "It makes no sense whatsoever, and you know it! This sounds like a fucking One Direction fan fiction, and there's no way I'm going to fall for that shit!" I said harshly, feeling tears pricking at my eyes. I just felt so angry. Angry at Matt, angry at myself... just angry about the whole mess. Mostly, I was angry at myself for wanting this to be real. Caroline looked taken aback from my outburst, but then her face softened once she saw the tears spilling from my eyes.

"Mads, listen to me. You gave him your letters, right? Well.. what did you write in them?" she asked curiously, as I'd never let her see them.

"To tell you the truth, I hardly remember, I never read over them again after they were edited," I said squeezing my eyes shut, trying to get a grip on my emotions. Although I liked to pretend I couldn't remember what I wrote about, the truth is... I couldn't forget even if I tried. I may not remember every detail, but I do remember that I wrote about some really personal and intimate things. Oh God, why did I ever give him those letters?

As I began getting lost in my thoughts, Caroline's voice pulled me back to the present, "Mads, there's something else I want you to watch. It's a video," she said hesitantly, her eyes scrutinized my face, trying to gauge my reaction. My eyes popped open and focused on her nervous face.

"No... no, no, no...." I kept repeating as I covered my face with my hands, "Please don't tell me it's a video from yesterday," I begged her as she took my hand and tugged me back towards the bed. Caroline never answered my question, so I felt my stomach drop, and full blown pterodactyls flying around in my stomach.

Caroline sat me down and gave me a serious look, "Mads, just stop. Stop trying to rebuild your walls! You've already let him in! If you didn't want him involved you should have never let yesterday happen; honestly though, I'm glad you did. You need this. You need him. I want you to watch this video, and I want you to tell me that the way that boy looks at you is with ANYTHING other than love and concern. Just look at him Mads, he has no hidden motive. It is possible for someone to care about you Channing, you're not beneath him... don't sell yourself short... He is a normal person, just like you..." she trailed off as she gave me a pleading look.

I rubbed my hands across my face again, trying to prepare myself for what I was about to watch... it was mortifying. After I settled down and Caroline pushed the play button, I looked on in embarrassment and uncertainty, completely unprepared for what I saw. Although the video was still extremely embarrassing, as I watched my interaction with Matt, I felt my heart clench. It was through a grainy cell phone recording... but I could clearly see a spark in his eyes. Was that spark for me? Why? I felt a stupid grin wriggle onto my lips, and I tried to hide it from Caroline, but she of course saw it.

"Mads You're blushing! Oh my God. You've got to go meet him. Just look at how he's looking at you," she said softly as she watched the video in awe. It was now to the point when he noticed the cuts on my wrist, and he leaned down to kiss them. I felt tears teetering at the brink, trying desperately to escape my bottom lid, but I blinked repeatedly, trying to force them back.

After the video ended I just sat there staring at the screen, which was asking if I wanted to replay the video.

I cleared my throat, still trying to keep myself together, "Caroline ... what do I do?" I asked her as I met her eyes.

She looked thoughtful for a minute, "Well, you could listen to me and go meet him with me."

I merely shrugged my shoulders as I lay back down on the bed; I took my pointer finger and began tracing the ugly, marred flesh of my wrists. They were nowhere as scarred as my thighs... but they still weren't the prettiest sight, and again, I couldn't help thinking... who would want this? Who could learn to love something so ugly? How could Matt want this... want me?

I felt Caroline pack my back gently and whisper,"Just go back to sleep, doll... we'll figure something out later."

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