Red ~ WayHaught

6 Out Of 10

(Here we go, Cheetahs!!

Listen to 6/10 by Dodie while you read this chapter!!)

~~~~~

~Nicole POV~

"My therapist wants me to start writing down my feelings. He told me to start expressing myself in a diary. It's been almost a week since then and this is the first time I've felt like it. I've just been tired I guess. I've been really tired. I'm tired of fighting, tired of smiling, tired of talking, and I'm physically exhausted.

Every morning since me and Waverly moved into our dorm at UNO, University of New Orleans, I've had to wake up at 6:00 a.m. so I'll have time to get ready for my 8 o'clock class. I'm majoring in psychology, but now I'm thinking that's a mistake.

Going to class is an uphill battle that I'm getting sick of fighting. There are a lot of students in pretty much every class I'm taking and sometimes it can get loud. Especially in my English class. We always end up working in groups which results in everyone talking over each other. Class is crowded and noisy and I'm having a really hard time with it.

My anxiety has gotten the better of me, in front of the other students, a few times. The first time I had a seizure in class, I was really surprised. I had expected that everyone would judge me or something, but that's not what happened.

A girl named Ali had helped me out. She put her jacket under my head so it wouldn't bang against the floor and held her pencil in between my teeth so I wouldn't bite down on my tongue. I was shocked when I woke up and noticed that the professor had dismissed the class, but she hadn't left.

She let me use her water to swallow my medicine, which was really nice, and helped me get back in my desk until I could walk again. I told her that I had walked to the class from my dorm room, so she drove me back. I didn't want to worry Waverly, I knew she was still in class. Ali stayed and talked with me until she got back.

She told me about how her twin has anxiety induced seizures. Apparently they started when she was 14. It's definitely a small world, huh?

Ali's been a big help to me and Waves. I'm obviously thankful for her, especially since I have a LOT of panic attacks. There's just so much pressure with these classes. Pressure to get a good grade, or finish every assignment, or make sure I have everything done by it's due date.

It's getting to be too much to handle. I miss the summer. I miss going to the pool with Waverly and Wynonna. I miss Purgatory. I miss the weather. It's always so hot and humid down here, Purgatory was cool and dry for the most part. I miss how small the town was. Do you know how many people live in New Orleans? A shit ton, that's how many.

I had a breakdown last week and couldn't go on a date that me and Waverly had been planning forever. It was September 27th, our official three year anniversary. To make matters worse, a few weeks earlier I spent her entire birthday with my headphones in, trying to block out the voices I'd been hearing.

I keep missing out on what should be special moments with the love of my life. At first, she was understanding and gentle with me, but now she's just frustrated. I'm frustrated too. We haven't kissed in over a month. It's like she's starting to distance herself again. It isn't like last time when she just abandoned me, no, this is different.

It's like she's slowly nudging are relationship towards being completely platonic. I don't think she's doing it on purpose. I know she isn't. I think she's just scared of pushing me too far or hurting my feelings. I think she's scared that I won't have the courage to speak up if I don't want something. She isn't wrong.

The last time we kissed, things kind of escalated. It got to the point where we both had our clothes off and she was on top of me before I started crying. Of course, she felt really bad about it. She shouldn't though, she didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't ready to go there, but I know she was so I just went with it. That's on me. I should've said something or done something to stop it, instead, I just acted like I was ready until I almost did something really fucking stupid.

I feel horrible now. Waverly still thinks it was her fault, that she should've somehow been able to read my mind. She thinks she hurt me. Ever since that happened, she isn't okay. She's frustrated with me because I keep trying tell her it wasn't her fault. She's frustrated with my anxiety cause that's why it happened in the first place. And mostly, she's frustrated with herself for not being able to tell when something's bothering me.

She's depressed and distant. She started going to a support group, but I'm not sure if it's helping her at all. She won't sleep in the same bed as me anymore. She won't kiss me anymore. She won't ask me on a date anymore. She won't do a lot of things. I miss her. She isn't okay, and it breaks my heart.

~ Nicole Rayleigh Haught"

~~~~~~

Hey!! What do you think of the first chapter? Do you like the journal format? I might do that for a lot of chapters since it gives a much more personal perspective on the characters!

Do you want any chapters in Ali's POV? Or just Waverly and Nicole?

Ali is about to be a pretty major character in this book! (If you haven't figured it out yet, you probably haven't, I'm basing her character off of Alison DiLaurentis, from PLL) She obviously won't be exactly the same, but I thought it would be a cool kind of "small world" thing if they met her. (Cause ya know, the whole "faked her death, is gay, has been through some pretty fucked up shit," thing.)

Anyways, votes and comments are MEGA appreciated!! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, even though this whole book is a trigger warning.

Remember that I love you, Cheetahs!!

~ Jordan Ben