Memoirs of a Misfit [Random Book]

Real Talk. MHM

When was the last time you checked in with yourself? The last time you properly sat down and asked yourself how you were going. Sometimes it's nice to take a break and kind of relax, letting yourself escape the rest of the world, even if its only for a little bit. Personally, I don't think I do this nearly enough. I bottle up every little emotion that I feel and shake myself up until I explode everywhere — let me tell you — it's not a pretty sight.

For the past three months or so, according to my psychologist, I've been in what is classified as a manic episode. And of course, although in most typical episodes of mania, the person experiencing it would appear euphoric and extremely high, for lack of a better word, I was just experiencing lots of emotions at high intensity. The main one was irritability, after that came a very elated mood which kinda made me feel like I could do anything and that there would be no consequences. Then there was the unexplainable anger that made me want to constantly be punching either a wall or someone's face, and the flight of ideas which led to me being completely and utterly unable to sleep. I went a full week and a day without sleeping and honestly, I was feeling none of the effects. I didn't feel tired, I didn't feel sluggish or drowsy — my brain and I were cool. We were going around running laps of my schools oval (I normally avoid any physical activity as if it's the plague), we were writing 3500-word chapters and publishing them all within the span of a few hours, reading 8 books over a weekend —  completely off the rails. To tell you the truth, It effected my school work so much that I got to a point of "I'm literally not going to show up to this class because I just don't want to," or "I don't like this task so I'm just going to do nothing because whatever, they won't fail me." 

I cannot stress how bad that mindset is. Believing that you're invincible when you're not, taking on mountains of responsibilities when you know that you won't be able to handle it — it wasn't healthy. And although I'm still in the whole 'not caring about school or anything relating to it' mindset, it's different this time. I'm still trying to get things done, whereas before I wasn't. Simple tasks seem like they're taking a million years to even consider doing, but at least I'm trying. The sleeplessness has turned into sleeping fourteen hours a day, locking myself in my room and not wanting to come out. Having to gather up all the energy and motivation I can muster just to reach over to my bedside table to get a drink. I'm exhausted from doing absolutely nothing, and it sucks. It's horrible. Once I took a step back and assessed how I had been feeling, I had the realisation that I had indeed, after three months, slipped out of my manic episode and seemed to be slowly falling into a depressive one.

How fabulous is that?

It took me until today to realise that it's not my fault I'm feeling this way. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and that's okay. Many people do. So if I'm struggling for a while — that's just what's happening. And I just need to deal with it the best I can. So please, if you're struggling, reach out today. It's so much easier when you ask for help. Your parents, teachers — they're real people too. Chances are that they understand what you're going through and chances are they can help you. Remember that I'm always here if you ever want to talk too.

So I apologise if they're no updates for a while. I apologise if I'm absent off of Wattpad for a while. I promise I haven't forgotten — I'm just taking care of myself at the moment.